International___Day

Christmas Quote #12

2011-12-24T00:12:00.000-05:00

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale

Christmas Quote #11

2011-12-23T00:11:00.000-05:00

"We hear the beating of wings over Bethlehem and a light that is not of the sun or of the stars shines in the midnight sky. Let the beauty of the story take away all narrowness, all thought of formal creeds. Let it be remembered as a story that has happened again and again, to men of many different races, that has been expressed through many religions, that has been called by many different names. Time and space and language lay no limitations upon human brotherhood." ~New York Times, 25 December 1937

Christmas Quote #10

2011-12-22T00:10:00.000-05:00

"Dad, I'd like to have a little talk...As the wage earner here, its your responsibility to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here's a list of some big-ticket items I'd like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do whats right for our country."

[and since it's Calvin, we can do one more]

Hobbes: "This article says that many people find christmas the most stressful time of year."
Calvin: "I believe it. This season sure fills *me* with stress."
Hobbes: "Really? How come?"
Calvin: " I hate being good..."

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #9

2011-12-21T00:09:00.000-05:00

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~George Carlin

Advent - Day 9

2011-12-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

Advent - Day 9

"Regaining the Christmas Spirit"

Recently a reader wrote in and asked,

I have lost touch with that exhilarating zing I used to feel with each approaching holiday, each change of seasons.

Now I experience life as a never-ending but sometimes-changing to-do list, and that's sad.

I need to change that.

Any suggestions?

For many of us that is all too true. For a myriad of reasons, we find ourselves not “into” the Christmas spirit. It is not where we want to be. We want to enjoy the season, the music, the treats, and yes even the shopping. More importantly, we know how blessed we are, and how grateful we should feel and being alive, living in a free country, and with so much bounty around us. But for whatever reason we cannot seem to connect.

Hyperion understands, and he is here to help. Below I have some ideas to help bring you into the Christmas spirit. They are guaranteed to put a twinkle in your eye and a ho-ho in your heart. (Or something like that.)

Things you can do to get into the Holiday Spirit

Make a Christmas Mix CD

I know this sounds hokey, but you would be surprised how much fun it can be. Spending the time finding the songs from your past you used to love and then burning the CD will already put you in the Christmas spirit, and then listening to your mix CD on the way to work or even at work will clinch the deal. In fact, I bet your co-workers will all want you to make them a Christmas Mix CD too!

Give Gifts Unexpectedly

Buy a few inexpensive gifts—we’re talking very cheap here, just little things—and wrap them up and keep them in your trunk. Then, over the next 10 days, look for opportunities to give the presents to people who might really need them. Maybe it’s a favorite teller at the bank or clerk at the grocery store whom you always go to, or someone at the library or post office. It can be for no reason at all other than to make that person’s day. Give these small gifts away to people who would never normally be on your gift list, and see how you give them a boost, and how much it helps you. Sometimes gift giving can seem like an obligation, but these gifts are bought not knowing who they will go to, only that you have faith that the opportunity will arise to make someone’s day.

One time my dad was in a warehouse store looking for something and he accidentally dropped twenty dollars in one of the boxes. He called up the store that night and gave the clerk specific instructions where to go look. The man took the phone with him (it was a huge warehouse), and was unable to hide his annoyance at having to perform this task when he wanted to go home. Finally, my dad managed to direct the man to the right box. “Look inside.” My dad said. The clerk replied there was a twenty-dollar bill. “Merry Christmas.” My dad said.

Suddenly the entire exchange was completely different for the clerk. What had been the capper to a bad day became a great way to start his holiday. You just know that he told that story to everyone, and even better: the next time a customer needed extra help I bet he was more attentive.

You don’t need to drop twenty dollar bills into boxes. Even dollar store figurines (Hyperion’s favorite little gift to give) wrapped up in little boxes can totally make someone’s day, even their Christmas. Remember: they are getting a gift from someone they never expected to, and it truly is the thought that counts.

I hope these ideas help. If you have any of your own please feel free to share them in the comments, as we all try to get into the Christmas spirit.

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #8

2011-12-20T00:08:00.000-05:00

"Let's just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don't, and that's cool. But we're probably right. Amen." - Homer Simpson

Advent - Day 8

2011-12-20T00:00:00.000-05:00

Advent - Day 8

"Merry Non-Denominational End-of-the-Year Gala (not that we're into that sort of thing) to You and Yours, or not Yours (both choices are equally valid)"

One trend that has come up recently is the push to take "Christmas" out of the holiday greetings, and the backlash from people who don't like it. We hear at International Day have looked into the matter and are comfortable declaring both sides ninnies.

First, to the people who are trying to take every last vestige of Christmas out of culture, get a life. People will always "decorate" their world with what's important to them, whether that means rock and roll bumper stickers, tean-beat posters, or, yes, Christmas decorations. Do they go too far? Sometimes, but only because of the tacky-factor. I concede you don't want government promoting religion, but a Nativity is hardly proselytizing at sword point. Rather, it is a reflection of that community, and as long as equal time was made for other traditions of community members (like Jews and Muslims), well, it seems like that would be a happy compromise.

More important that inane court fights, when someone wishes you a Merry Christmas, they are virtually never trying to
A) make you be a Christian
B) Put down your religion

Christmas in America rarely has much to do with God anyway. Yes, they share a name, but it has become a hybrid affair, full of a melange of traditions. Ask any 1st grader what Christmas celebrates and they're likely to tell you it's the birth of Santa. When someone wishes you a "Merry Christmas," they are usually only trying to be nice. Try to take it in that spirit.

And now, to the other side: to you who celebrate Christmas....

Pull your heads out of your....stockings, and try to realize that the world is bigger than your tiny limited experience. Some people don't celebrate Christmas. Why would they do that? Well, they could be Jewish or Muslim or any of a host of other religions. They could have had bad experiences growing up, or nor tradition whatsoever, and just aren't into it. They could have had a family member die close to Christmas, and for them the time is now a painful experience.

The point: there are a thousand valid reasons why someone would not celebrate Christmas. Don't let that stop you, but try to realize that not everyone is into it like you are, and your own exuberance can come across as obnoxious. Try to be respectful of other cultures, maybe even learn something about their traditions. If someone doesn't celebrate Christmas because of bad experiences, count yourself lucky you didn't go through that and try to be extra loving to the person. Let me tell you something, and if you learn nothing else in your life, learn this: a little extra compassion and understanding promotes your "Christmas Spirit" far more than forcing someone to wear a Santa hat, accept a gift or eat your kids' awful cookies.

Good one, Hyperion. Good one.

We here at International Day celebrate all forms of Winter Holidays, both out of compassion and as a opportunity for you to give me presents! (Giving helps you!!)

We celebrate the following (and would love to add more if you know of any)....

Christmas
Hanukkah
Kwaanza
Winter Solstice
Yule
Festivus
Dinosaur Present Day (Featuring T-Rex)
Ramadan (I know it's already happened, but if you want to send me presents....)

May whatever holiday you subscribe to be all the awesome you can handle

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #7

2011-12-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it." ~Katharine Whitehorn

Advent - Day 7

2011-12-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

Advent - Day 7

It seems like a good time to honor Carson Williams, the dude who first did that Winter Wizards thing, setting up the lights at his house in sync to the Trans Siberian Orchestra, backin 2004. You had to have seen the video, but chances are you have not seen it in awhile.

I saw that Miller Lite had a commercial based on this. I sure hope they paid Carson royalties. Anyway, the original, and one of the coolest things ever: Winter Wizards!

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #6

2011-12-18T00:06:00.000-05:00

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." ~Author Unknown

Advent - Day 6

2011-12-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

I have had you furrowing your brow now for five days straight. It is time to relax and enjoy the lighter side of Christmas, with these Christmas jokes! (Ahem: some of these jokes are for when the kids go to bed! I have Asterisks next to those jokes so you can skip them if you are trying to stay pure.)

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants' Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

***Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

***What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Once upon a time, there was a fellow who was down on his luck, and as he was looking through the classifieds, he saw an intriguing ad offering a ten million dollar reward to the person who could find and retrieve, intact, something called a "tis bottle."

Having nothing to lose, he calls the man who placed the ad. "I absolutely must have this bottle, and there are only three surviving in the world," the wealthy man tells him, "one is in the heart of the deepest jungle, one is at the bottom of the coldest, darkest sea, and one is at the top of the highest mountain. I will pay your expenses for however long it takes to bring me one of these bottles, as well as giving you the ten million."

Being an adventurous fellow, he decides to accept the offer.

First, he gathers a retinue of guides and hunters to go with him into the jungle. He studies for months to prepare, and when he is ready to survive, he sets out to get the bottle. Into the jungle he goes, and after many close calls, and much loss of life, he finds the bottle.

As he is on his way out of the jungle with the bottle well packed and padded, he is attacked by wild animals, and not only is he badly mauled, but the box with the tis bottle goes flying, and box and bottle shatter.

It takes some time for him to recover from his injuries, but when he's well enough, he begins preparations to retrieve the bottle at the bottom of the sea. He takes diving lessons, hires the newest and best deep-sea diving equipment and crew, and takes to the sea. With little trouble, they managed to get the bottle, but on the way up, they are attacked by sharks, and have to rush to the surface. In the hurry, the fellow not only gets the bends, but the bottle falls and breaks on the deck. More time in the hospital later, recovering slowly, he's more determined than ever to get the third and final bottle.

He spends over a year learning mountain climbing and survival, becoming accustomed to low oxygen and heights, and planning the ultimate shatter-proof container for the bottle. He hires a crew of experienced guides and begins his climb. By the time they reach the top, they're low on supplies, weak, and frostbitten, but he will not give up. The bottle is packed and secured, and the group begins the descent. When they reach the bottom of the mountain, the fellow again has to spend time in the hospital recovering from his injuries, but he keeps the bottle with him and in sight at all times.

Finally, he's ready to present it to the wealthy man and collect his reward.

He goes to the wealthy man's house, and carefully unpacks the "tis bottle" and hands it over. The wealthy man inspects it joyfully, and hands the fellow a check for ten million dollars.

"Thank you and good day, sir," he says, dismissing the fellow.

"Wait!" The fellow cries, “I was attacked by wild animals, suffered the bends, and lost fingers and toes for this bottle.

I've spent years looking for it, and almost as long in the hospital from trying to get it. Aren't you going to tell me why it's so precious and what it's for?"

"Um, it's a little embarrassing, actually. Why don't you just take the money and go?"

"I'm not leaving here until you tell me what this bottle is for!" Shouts the fellow.

With a sigh, the wealthy man motions for the fellow to follow him. They go into the back of the house, and the wealthy man presses a hidden button to reveal a secret door.

Behind the door is a small room with another door, behind a strong gate. The wealthy man unlocks the gate, unlocks the door, and opens the heavy vault door behind it with a combination. Inside the vault are thousands of bottles lined up neatly, wall to wall and floor to ceiling, with one vacant spot labeled "tis". Gently the man places the bottle in its spot, and declares "There you go."

"Oh, come on," the fellow replies. "There has to be more to it than that."

With a sigh, the man picks up a delicate, padded mallet that hangs nearby and gently begins striking the bottles, and a tune emerges.

"'Tis the season to be jolly..."

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #5

2011-12-17T00:05:00.000-05:00

"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." ~Larry Wilde, The Merry Book of Christmas

Advent - Day 5

2011-12-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

[In 2007, when this Advent originally ran, Day 5 fell on December 7th. Don't Hate on Hawaii: PRETEND!]

Today is Pearl Harbor Day. What does this have to do with Advent? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.

The original Advent meant preparing for the return of the Lord. As in the Second Coming. The people preparing were supposed to be readying themselves for a time when they were not going to be there anymore. They didn't know when this day would be (and still don't); they were only to be ready.

No matter what your end-times beliefs, imagine those people in Hawaii, now 66 years ago. Though snow did not cover the ground, and people were more accustomed to surfboards (not sleds), they were still preparing for Christmas. The Civilians were waking up that Sunday morning, perhaps preparing for an Advent Sunday, maybe to do Christmas decorating afterward. Soldiers on duty were perhaps daydreaming of a furlough back home to Kansas for mom's Christmas dinner.

And then in a heartbeat, everything changed.

I'm not trying to make you all doomy and gloomy. But make no mistake: we should not, we dare not ever forget those people. Not only are they our honored dead; sacrificed in the opening salvo of a horrific war to come, but they illustrate so perfectly why you should be living in the moment and enjoying this holiday season.

Maybe you're sure (whether you should be or not) that you there in Palookaville, USA are safe from all enemies foreign and domestic. But honestly: you can't be sure you'll make it to Christmas. There are car accidents, bad tickers, and Full House Marathons.

So, please, enjoy every minute that you can, especially this season. Don't miss an opportunity to just sit and talk with your family, no matter what needs to be done. Take the time to look at your tree you put up: else why put it up?

I know you're busy, everyone is. But do you think the people of Honolulu might wish they'd spent their last week a little differently? Take a lesson, and eat some cookies now.

And just so we don't end on a downer, here are snowmen dancing to Mele Kalikimaka (Hawaiian for "Merry Christmas.")

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #4

2011-12-16T00:04:00.000-05:00

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."
~W.C. Fields

Advent - Day 4

2011-12-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

Advent - Day 4

"That First Tingle"

In yesterday's Advent, I talked about the Christmas Season coming earlier and earlier, and admonished those who would carp about such things rather than take advantage. I wanted to approach the idea from a different angle. When I read my family the Advent, I asked them what are the first signs of Christmas that give you a tingle down your spine, that little extra rush.

Here are a few that I came up with:

Holiday M&Ms - I know it's hokey (especially now, as they do it for EVERYTHING, but it used to be we'd get a special green/red only holiday M&M package in December, and somehow seeing that in the stores always sort of made Christmas real.

Holiday Specials - I'm specifically thinking the classics, like Charlie Brown, Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life. They are always an extra reminder that it's Christmas soon.

Ceramic Decorations - My mom lives for snowmen; there are always hundreds around the house. However, most Christmas decorations only come out in December, like the little ceramic tree with all the small colored lights that go in the holes, or the ceramic nativity set. Whenever I see those around the house, I finally know it's Christmas.

How about you? What are the triggers out there to let you know it's getting close to Christmas?

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #3

2011-12-15T00:03:00.000-05:00

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
- Joan Rivers

Advent - Day 3

2011-12-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

Advent – Day 3

Assault of the Santa

One of the things people complain about the most is how earlier and earlier the Christmas Season comes. Traditionally radio stations started playing their Christmas music the second week in December, but more recently this has rolled back, to where some stations had reportedly gone to the all Christmas format as early as the end of Halloween. (And let us not even get started on the stores….)

We could make an entertaining case for the obvious Conspiracy Triumvirate of Big Retail, Big Greeting Card and Big Candy, but in a Big-Picture sense, it is understandable this push to “extend” the Christmas season beyond the borders of December. There is a natural inclination to be in the “Christmas Spirit” as long as possible. Say what we will about holiday stress, for many, the Christmas Season is a time to go shopping for loved ones, attend parties, bake cookies, and pull out our favorite decorations and all that other fun stuff. Strangers tend to be nicer to each other around Christmas, and it is no great sin that some would look to make that feeling last as long as possible.

What I do not get is the vitriol heard in opposition. People act as if they are physically assaulted because radio stations go Santa a few weeks early. As if red and green banners at the mall are somehow causing seizures. Yeah, I get it: they want us to buy more to help their bottom lines. I got news for you: you are in a freaking mall! You have already lost any argument you could make about pleas for your dignity and attempts to snatch at your pocketbook.

In case you still are confused, I developed a little formula to help you out:

You inside a retail store = you not poor = shut your whiny yap

Or, put another way, if this is what you are complaining about, you really do have it made. So they put up Christmas a few weeks early. Is it really so awful to hear familiar carols a few more times? Is it going to kill you if Main Street puts up their big candy canes on Veteran’s Day instead of a fortnight later?

And maybe, just maybe, will the Christmas trappings remind you to be a little bit kinder to the people around you? After all, you may have to put up with the horror that is hearing Silent Night one more time, but they have to put up with you.

Lesson #3: Choose to focus on the positive aspects of Christmas that make you feel good rather than complain about something that really isn’t that big of a deal.

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #2

2011-12-14T00:02:00.000-05:00

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"'
~Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide

Advent - Day 2

2011-12-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

Advent - Day 2

"Rollin' with the Punches"

I was so proud of myself. I had my Day 2 Advent all written, and was ready to put it up. I took a break to watch a movie, only to find the Internet connection down when I returned to computer.

Accchhhh!

I was disappointed, but it reaffirms one of the central themes I'm going for this month: if you are alive, you're doing okay.

Whatever happens to you today, tomorrow, the rest of the month: as long as it doesn't kill you, you'll survive. In fact, if your attitude is right, you can even make it work for you.

Here I was set to write about Christmas Music, but Life (in one of its vagary disguises) got in the way. So, I'm turning it into an object lesson, and by doing so, making one less Advent I have to write! (That's a double-dub AND an okie-doke!)

Lesson #2: you can't always control what happens to you, but you can choose how you react.

Enjoy the Season!

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #1

2011-12-13T00:01:00.000-05:00

"Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don't quite know how to put our love into words."
- Harlan Miller

Advent - Day 1

2011-12-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hyperion’s (and Friends) Celebrate Advent

Day #1 – Thoughts on Advent

I thought I would start with the word Advent itself, since many people (myself included) do not know what it means. If you have grown up in church you know about the four Sundays of Advent, and maybe you had one of those little calendars growing up, where each day you peel back a little square of cardboard to see the picture or words inside and get a treat. (Usually the treats somehow disappeared by Day 5, but you used the same calendar for years.)

The word Advent comes from the Latin Advenio or Adventus, itself a translation of the Greek word Parousia. They all mean, “to come,” and back when originally coined referred to the second coming of Christ.

Put aside any religious beliefs (or disbeliefs) you have for a second and think about the sheer scale of what early humanity waited for. There was no email, no Internet, no post office, no telephone, fax or wire. One did not travel by airplane or car. You went somewhere by walking, or, if lucky, by donkey and then later horse.

In other words, for the most part, humanity has spent their time waiting for literally everything. This is even more magnified when viewed through the prophetic lens of waiting a Messiah, a savior. Time for that was not measured in minutes, hours, days or even years, but in lifetimes, many of them.

Now think about your own life. Think about how angry you get with an extra ten minutes added because of traffic, a drive-thru line that seems to take forever, or the time you spend on hold trying to get through to your bank. Yes, we are all busy, and we want the express line full of people using the Visa Scan and go cards, our dentist to be ready when the appointment time says, and the meeting to get over now, because we’re hungry.

I am not trying to minimize that. But maybe just for a day, think of what people who came before you waited on to come, and how long they did so. Is it really going to kill you to gain a fresh perspective, and realize whatever you are waiting on, others have waited longer, and for more important?

If nothing else, be glad you’re not them.

Lesson #1 - We all have to wait for something

October 31 (Halloween) - International Scare Someone in the Dark Day

2011-10-31T08:52:00.000-04:00

To honor Halloween, I think we should scare someone in the dark. There are two great ways for doing this. The first is to play Murder in the Dark! This is an awesome game. Here are the rules:

Make enough slips of paper for 1 each. On one write "murderer", on another write "detective", and on all of the rest write "suspect". Put the slips of paper in a hat and draw. You can not reveal to anyone what you are. Someone counts to three and turns off the lights. (Be sure to play this in a room where no one will bump into any sharp things) and the game begins. Also fun is to play in a house or building with multiple rooms, but again: make sure no one will accidentally bump into fine china or your ancient sword collection. The murderer finds people and taps them on the shoulder. If you are tapped on the shoulder and are a suspect, simply fall to the ground, making a few dying noises. If you are tapped and you are the detective, you say "detective is dead". When the detective is killed, the lights go on. All dead suspects must pretend to be dead, and even the murderer himself can play dead. The detective then surveys the "bodies" and accuses who they think is the murderer. If they guess wrong, the murderer has won, but if they guess right, the detective has won. To make it easier for young detectives, people can call out "Murderer, murderer" when they are killed.

Variation (Hyperion's Family Rules): When the game starts, the detective is cloistered somewhere that he or she cannot hear what's going on. The rest of the people mill around the house, freaking out, until the murderer strikes. Then everyone gathers in the living room around the dead body and the detective comes out and does his/her best Sherlock Holmes impression, interrogating suspects. EVERYONE MUST TELL THE TRUTH BUT THE MURDERER, who can lie or tell the truth as it suits the purpose of evading detection. After the detective has asked the questions necessary, a guess is made and the murderer is revealed, and then you play again. This is a GREAT game to play at family gatherings, provided everyone is between 12 and 70.

I can't tell you how much fun it is to bump around in the dark, terrified that you're going to get killed. (And if there are eligible ladies in question, well, I always say to lead with your hands out at chest height, if you know what I mean!)

The next way to scare someone in the dark is to turn off all the lights and tell them a scary story. The one I have below comes from an English nursery rhyme, and it used to scare everyone to pieces as a kid. Even now it can be quite effective.

The problem: reading it, the story will seem silly and inane. YOU HAVE TO TRUST HYPERION HERE! What you do is: memorize the story, or the basic flow to it. (Once you read it a few times, it's not hard.) When you tell the story, you then have to follow these few rules:

The lights have to be completely off. Setting the mood will help add suspense
Tell the story very slowly and very softly. If people are straining to hear, they will be even more tense, and you set them up effectively.
When you get to the bold parts (from the cupboard), read those lines even slower and more wailing, as if from the grave. I don't care if your audience is 9 or 39, this will be effective.
Don't ignore all the teeny/tinys. They seem stupid reading them over down below, but when you tell the story, the repetition adds to the cadence and eventually suspense.
Most importantly, when you get to the end, the words in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, you must shout that as loud as you can. In the dark, after the entire story told slowly and softly: trust me, they'll freak.

And without further ado, here is your story. Please leave a comment on whom you tried to scare, and how it went over.

Teeny-Tiny

ONCE upon a time there was a teeny-tiny woman who lived in a teeny-tiny house in a teeny-tiny village.

Now, one day this teeny-tiny woman put on her teeny-tiny bonnet, and went out of her teeny-tiny house to take a teeny-tiny walk. And when this teeny-tiny woman had gone a teeny-tiny way, she came to a teeny-tiny gate; so the teeny-tiny woman opened the teeny-tiny gate, and went into a teeny-tiny churchyard. And when this teeny-tiny woman had got into the teeny-tiny churchyard, she saw a teeny-tiny bone on a teeny-tiny grave, and the teeny-tiny woman said to her teeny-tiny self, 'This teeny-tiny bone will make me some teeny-tiny soup for my teeny-tiny supper.' So the teeny-tiny woman put the teeny-tiny bone into her teeny-tiny pocket, and went home to her teeny-tiny house.

Now, when the teeny-tiny woman got home to her teeny-tiny house, she was a teeny-tiny bit tired; so she went up her teeny-tiny stairs to her teeny-tiny bed, and put the teeny-tiny bone into a teeny-tiny cupboard. And when this teeny-tiny woman had been to sleep a teeny-tiny time, she was awakened by a teeny-tiny voice from the teeny-tiny cupboard, which said:

'Give me my bone!'

And this teeny-tiny woman was a teeny-tiny frightened, so she hid her teeny-tiny head under the teeny-tiny covers and went to sleep again. And when she had been to sleep again a teeny-tiny time, the teeny-tiny voice again cried out from the teeny-tiny cupboard a teeny-tiny louder,

'Give me my bone!'

This made the teeny-tiny woman a teeny-tiny more frightened, so she hid her teeny-tiny head a teeny-tiny further under the teeny-tiny covers. And when the teeny-tiny woman had been to sleep again a teeny-tiny time, the teeny-tiny voice from the teeny-tiny cupboard said again a teeny-tiny louder,

'Give me my bone!'

And this teeny-tiny woman was a teeny-tiny bit more frightened, but she put her teeny-tiny head out of the teeny tiny clothes, and said in her loudest teeny-tiny voice, 'TAKE IT!'

October 30 - International Coulrophobia Day

2011-10-30T00:05:00.000-04:00

Coulrophobia is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns.

Clowns creep me out. There is something very sinister about the the heavy makeup and exagerated expressions. They are evil creatures who's sole purpose is to play tricks on unsuspecting victims, all in the name of fun. Well let me tell you, there is nothing funny about this guy.

Now, I can't be the only one in the Hyperion Nation who is scared of clowns. Come on, show yourselves. We'll form a support group.

October 29 - International Watch Movies that Scare You Day

2011-10-29T01:21:00.000-04:00

Not everyone likes horror movies, and most of the people who do aren't scared of them. If they were scared, they wouldn't watch! (At least not so much.)

But everyone is scared of or at least has been scared of one movie in their lifetime, and to honor this day, you need to watch a movie that would scare you. It's okay to be scared every once in a while.

For me, that movie was Silence of the Lambs.

Cannibals just FREAK ME OUT!!!! But my brother made me watch it, claiming it was a classic and as a movie lover I needed to see it, even if I was scared. He was right, but the whole movie he kept making that "ftftftftftftft" sound that Hannibal Lecter makes. [SHUDDER] Even now that creeps me out.

Other movies that have scared me:

Stephen King's It

Rear Window (actually, anything by Hitchcock)

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Miss Congeniality 2 (only because I was scared it wasn't going to end)

So watch a scary movie tonight, one that actually scares you, and leave a comment telling us what movie scares you! We won't laugh at you. (Well, we might.)

Jerrica

October 28 - International Scared of your own Mortality Day

2011-10-28T00:00:00.000-04:00

Some day you're going to die.

Think about that, not in a flip way, or like some half-sketch on TV, but in a very real sense. You have known other people who died. They aren't here any more. But more importantly:

YOU
ARE
GOING
TO
DIE

And
you
will
be
no
more.

October 27 - International Scared of Saturn Day

2011-10-27T00:00:00.000-04:00

Techically, Kronos was Hyperion's Brother. But Kronos is also Saturn. So Goya's painting ("Saturn Eating Kronos") has me completely confused.

But either way, I'm scrrrd!

(click on photo for larger view)

October 25 - International Red Scare Day

2011-10-25T01:41:00.000-04:00

Before we had the Axis of Evil, there were those wacky Communists. Oh, to be back in the days of fallout shelters and diving under school desks at the threat of a nuclear attack! When my parents were young people thought the U.S. would be overrun by the Russians and the Cubans just like Red Dawn. And did that happen? Noooo! I feel cheated! How could all those 80s movies lie to me? My worldview is shattered.

So today, spend some time with your comrades and get your fill of The Red Menace. Quote Yakov Smirnoff liberally. Eat borscht. Watch The Hunt For Red October, Rocky IV, Top Gun, Dr. Strangelove, Spies Like Us, or WarGames. Hide in the bushes and wait for the Soviets to roll through your town. WOLVERINES!!!

October 24 - The Feast of Maximum Occupancy

2011-10-24T00:05:00.000-04:00

Our beloved Homer Simpson, for a brief time, founded and was the sole member of his own religion. This allowed him to avoid going to work on "religious festivals" such as the Feast of Maximun Occupancy. From what I could gather this feast consisted of hanging out in Moe's bar, drinking beers, flaming Moes and eating peanuts.

All I can say is; a good idea, is a good idea. So ditch work for "religious reason" and come celebrate the Feast of Maximun Occupancy. The first flaming moe is on me. Who's with me?

October 23 - International Caught You While Deep In Thought Day

2011-10-23T00:00:00.000-04:00

I’ve often found it’s best to scare people when they are deep in thought. This video is a classic example:

Or another great one:

Sometimes when I’m driving and my wife in the passenger seat hasn’t said anything for a while, like she is in deep thought, I’ll quickly reach over and grab her leg and shout, “HEY!” That gets her almost every time.

October 16 - International Jem and the Holograms Festival

2011-10-16T10:50:00.000-04:00

You don't spend enough time thinking about how awesome JEM and the Holograms are!

Here are some websites for you to get in the spirit

IMDB Page

TV.com Page

Wikipedia Page

Person who has way too much time on her hands Page (I especially like all the screenshots. I think I will print them out and trade them with friends!)

Jem was a totally revolutionary show. It was one of the first cartoons for girls that was way cool. (Guys seemed to like it too. Hmmmmm.) Jerrica Benton was given computer after her dad died called Synergy, able to make holograms out of anything. It was able to transform Jerrica and her friends into an amazing rock group. (No one has EVER thought of making a pop group look like something they're not!!!)

On stage mild-mannered Jerrica turns into Jem. Alongiside are Aja Leigh, Shanna Elmsford and Raya Carmen Alonso. Of course there is also Jerrica's troublemaking little sister, Kimber Benton. (When you play Jem and the Holograms with your friends, you can make your pesky nerdy friend play Kimber. If you're at work, I recommend Bob from accounting.)

Then there is the EVIL BAND, the misfits, with Roxy, Stormer and Jetta. (There is also Clash, who is always trying to join the Misfits.) This band seems to cause trouble for Jem wherever she goes. I hope they never find out that Jem is really Jerrica Benton!

Anyway, have lots of fun with your Jem and the Holograms Festival. The most fun thing is to dress up like '80s vixens and play guitar hero, but you can tramp it up anywhere! Remember, Jem is truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous!

(JEM theme song)

October 15 - International Quality Festival Time

2011-10-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

Mamma and Pappa Scarlett were big fans of spending quality family time with their progeny. We even had an acronym for it: QFT- Quality Family Time as sort of homage to “Raising Arizona” and our own quirkiness. In Ohio, there are lots of fall festivals, so we day tripped with only our imaginations and love to keep us company. Fall Foilage tour, Apple Festivals, PumpkinFest, Harvest Festival. Some of my favorite memories were of us going to fall festivals. I really enjoyed seeing leaves change their color and spending time with my mom, dad and sister (even if she DID encroach on my side of the car…often). I can never resist a yummy smelling cup of cider and hot donut.

In honor of the fall season, I hereby proclaim that QFT is the acronym for Quality Festival Time. Get out there and find yourself a 110 pound pumpkin!
:) LJS

October 14 - International Festival of Festivals

2011-10-14T01:02:00.000-04:00

It's that time of year again when we get to celebrate every single holiday, observance, festival and feast... all at once.
Fast for Ramadan and eat Thanksgiving dinner at the same time! Celebrate the conception, birth, death and resurrection of Christ simultaneously! Eat some Easter ham at a Passover Seder!

Oh, think of all the presents you'll receive for Christmas, Hanukkah, St. Nicholas Day, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Administrative Assistant's Day, Saturnalia and Three King's Day! A river of Marshmallow Peeps and candy canes and candy corn! An ocean of chocolates!

And if you party too hearty on Naw-Ruz, Samhain, Rish Nissanu, Rosh Hashana, New Year's, Chinese New Year's, Hola Mohalla, Norouz, Hogmanay, St. Patrick's Day, or Mardi Gras, your're lucky because Yom Kipur is right there for you too.

October 13 - International Toasted (or Burnt) Marshmallow Festival

2011-10-13T00:00:00.000-04:00

Nothing makes a great festival like having a bon fire. Nothing makes a great bon fire like toasting marshmallows skewered by wire coat hangers.

When most people think of toasted marshmallows, they associate them with s’mores. And s’mores ain’t bad. But this festival is dedicated solely to the marshmallow itself. You can leave your Hershey™ bars and graham crackers at home.

I can certainly appreciate those who like their marshmallow with the outside perfectly toasted to a medium shade of brown and with an inside that is warm and gooey. But if you are like me, I burn my marshmallows to the point of being carcinogenic. My process is to let one catch fire until there is a nice black coat all the way around before blowing out the flame. After letting it cool, I then slide the outer ring off and enjoy. This leaves a white center which can be set on fire and the process can be repeated. I was once able to get five burnt rings out of one marshmallow this way. It’s sticky, but it’s good!

October 11 - International I Love Fall Day

2011-10-11T00:05:00.001-04:00

Fall is my favourite season of the year. I love the cool weather, smell of autumn fruit and the trees set ablaze in colour. If only I was a poet and could express my love of fall to all you. But alas.....

Fortunately I have found some who can.

Ode To Autumn
by John Keats

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eaves run;
To bend with apples the mossed cottage-trees,
And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease,
For Summer has o'er-brimmed their clammy cell.

Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reaped furrow sound asleep,
Drowsed with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
Spares the next swath and all its twined flowers;
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
Steady thy laden head across a brook;
Or by a cider-press, with patient look,
Thou watchest the last oozings, hours by hours.

Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?
Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,---
While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,
And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir, the small gnats mourn
Among the river sallows, borne aloft
Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
The redbreast whistles from a garden-croft,
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.

October 10 - International Festival of Crap its Monday

2011-10-10T07:37:00.000-04:00

Do not tell me you all do not feel this, every Sunday night around 10 p.m. or so, that awful dread that is the coming of Monday morning. You could be the garbage man, a drunken Lindsay Lohan or the President of the United States and it just hits you, crap, its Monday and I have reports to shred.

So, take heart, that man on the train with you is feeling the same thing, which is why you all have that glum looks on your faces. Or it could be he has been drinking too much Hennessey, but its best if we all just think that its the fog of Monday, not him hearing voices.

October 8 - International WaterFalls Day

2011-10-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

There is not much in nature cooler or more awe-inspiring than a Waterfall. So, take some time today to enjoy the view. (Click on pics for larger image. Well worth your time.)

October 7 - International Attack of the soFA LLama Day

2011-10-07T00:19:00.000-04:00

Everywhere across this great land people are walking softly today, fearful of what might happen to them in the living room. That's right, friends: it is the short but terrifying season of the soFA LLama.

So please, for the love of alpaca, be very very careful today. You never know when he will strike next.

Hyperion said our first day had to have the word "Fall" in it. He didn't say how. (Respect the loophole.)

October 6 - International Fall in Love with your Waitress because it might be her Birthday Day

2011-10-06T05:07:00.000-04:00

If you go out tonight, you should definitely fall in love with your Waitress, because it might be her birthday.

Ways to tell it's her birthday:

She's wearing a Tiara

She's wearing ribbons in her...um...hair

She has a sextet of elves following her around singing her "Happy Birthday," (but not the well-known version; then she'd have to pay royalties)

She is getting spanked (Note: obviously not a valid indicator at Waffle House)

If you do discover your Waitress is having a birthday, make sure to tip her extra good. Especially if it's me!!!!! Remember: always tip with bills (waitresses HATE cash!)

October 5 -International Fall at a Duck's webbed feet Day.

2011-10-05T11:50:00.000-04:00

October 5th is the day that yours truly, the ever mysterious Sparky Duck was hatched, between 30 and 50 years ago. And while I do not expect all of you to make a pilgrimage to Philadelphia to fawn all over me, I am giving to a chance to do the next best thing. Since my feathered cousins are usually not that hard to find, when you see one, bow down before it, and praise the wonders of Sparky Duck. I sent a message out to my minions that pooping is not allowed, but sometimes the messenger gets lost, or shot. So, consider any duck shat as a party favor from me to you.

October 4 - International Fall with a Rhyme Day

2011-10-04T00:00:00.000-04:00

Everytime I fall I just fall...but some, some falls are classic enough that you'd think Hallmark was behind their telling.

Ring around the rosie,Pocketful of posies.

Ashes, ashes.We all fall down.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water.

Jack fell down and broke his crown,

And Jill came tumbling after.

October 3 - International Sing The Theme Song From 'The Fall Guy' Day

2011-10-03T00:27:00.000-04:00

I don't remember much from the TV series 'The Fall Guy', other than it had Lee Majors in it who played Colt Seavers a stunt man/bounty hunter with a cool pick-up truck and that it had one of the best theme songs ever. So here are the words, and try to do your own stunts today.

Well I'm not the kind to kiss-and-tell,
but I've been seen with Farrah.
I've never been with anything
less than a nine, so fine.
I've been on fire with Sally Field,
gone fast with a girl named Bo.
But somehow they just don't end up as mine.

It's a death-defying life I lead. I take my chances.
I'd die for living in the movies and TV.
But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading ladies
Kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee.

I might fall from a tall building,
I might roll a brand new car,
'Cause I'm the Unknown Stuntman
that made Redford such a star.

I've never spent much time in school,
but I've taught ladies plenty.
It's true I hire my body out for pay, hey, hey.
I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs,
blown up for Raquel Welch,
But when I wind up in the hay,
it's only hay, hey, hey.

I might jump an open drawbridge,
or Tarzan from a vine,
'Cause I'm the Unknown Stuntman
that makes Eastwood look so fine.

October 2 - International Fallout Shelter Day

2011-10-02T00:00:00.000-04:00

Celebrate a product of history and hysteria in America, Canada and Europe – The Fallout Shelter! Forgotten and abandoned after the Cold War, these ultra-protective, subterranean rooms were a symbol of last-chance security and hope in the midst of the uncertain possibilities of nuclear war or nuclear accidents. Even if the unthinkable happened, people could at least have a place to sleep and get a tasty canned food meal three times a day for two weeks while waiting for the radioactivity to decay.

Locate and head to your nearest local fallout shelter and see what you can find there. If you want to go for dinner, I may suggest skipping breakfast and lunch. I hear that hunger makes a great spice. And if time allows, go ahead and spend the night. Nothing tops an experiencing like sleeping on a cot, especially if you can get some friends to pound on the door all night screaming, “Let me in! My skin is burning! And I feel nauseous!”

October 1 - International Fall and Prostrate before the Hyperion Day

2011-10-01T13:09:00.001-04:00

On this day in 2007, the Great Hyperion gaveth us a guide of what to watch on television. Not only does he overlord but he also makes great sacrifices (like watching "Heroes"). He does it for us, the little peoples. {sniffles}
So in honor of all of his hard work, great muscle tone, and killer baritone, I salute Hyperion on this great day.

And you shall also.

:) LJS

August 31 - International Enthusiasm of a Three-Year-Old Day

2011-08-31T01:15:00.000-04:00

Somehow during our growing up years, we lost that enthusiasm for life that we had when we were three-year-olds. Today is the day to get it (or shall we say give it) back. Look at the world through the eyes of a three-year-old. The awe and wonder. The innocence. And the excitement for the simple things in life...

...like going "poopie" on the potty. Today, before you flush it down, tell somebody about it. You did it! Be proud. Remember, Elmo says, "When you've got the feeling, make sure you stop what you are doing, and go to the bathroom." No accidents today. Do you need somebody to help wipe?

...like asking for a band aid if you get a "boo boo" (even if nobody else thinks you hurt). Make sure you get one with Lightning McQueen or Mickey Mouse. Somehow, those kind make it feel all better.

...like taking a nap in the middle of the day. OK, so maybe there isn't so much excitement for a nap, but you know you feel (and act) a whole lot less grouchy in the afternoon after a good sleep.

...like jumping into the arms of and burying your face in the neck of someone you love when they come home from work.

...like praying with your hands folded and your eyes squinted shut so they look like they are closed, but you can still see. Even though you are peeking, you really mean what you pray. And ask God for those big things, like rocket ships and baseball home runs, and for everybody to get better, even if you don't really know what those things mean.

Happy birthday, Mister K.

August 30 - International Bananarama Day

2011-08-30T00:00:00.000-04:00

Today we break from our normal boring existence to honor the 189th most successful chart act of all time in the UK: Bananarama.

Besides having the most infectious cool band name of all time (and starting the fashion craze for pantaloon shorts), the band:

Single-handedly started "Girl Power." Madonna just copied them; these girls were the real deal.
Raised Social consciousness in the '80s with songs like "Robert De Niro is Waiting" (about disillusionment in teen relationships); "Hotline to Heaven" (a powerful anti-drug message when it wasn't "cool" to pass on grass); and of course who could forget that the girls were the only group to appear on the 1984 Band Aid album and the 1989 follow-up Band Aid II. (I know three girls who definitely know it's Christmas.)

When you think of Sara Dallin, Karen Woodward, and yes, even Siobhan Fahey,
you not only think "the best pop band in the last '80s years, you realize they changed the way we live. I for one could never express how horrible my summers were until the 'Rama explained it in "Cruel Summer."

I knew about love in the third degree (well, who didn't), and I had ideas about love in the second. But it was not until those scrappy potassium purties sang about it did I know of "Love in the 1st Degree."

And I knew about Mars. I knew about Mercury. Heck, though I don't wanna pick out china patterns or nothin', I even knew about Uranus. But I didn't know about "Venus" until Bananarama wrote and sang that awesome song.

So today I say we honor Bananarama. If at all possible, adopt one of their fashion-forward trend-setting outfits, like one of these:

Check out their Discography and reminisce, or check out their Wikipedia page and even venture to their official site and try to guess: Wonderbra or surgery? (My bet: positive thinking)

Most of all, watch some of the band's best videos and count yourself lucky to have lived in the time of goddesses. (On mountaintops.)

VENUS (How did they ever come up with this stuff?)

CRUEL SUMMER (You can actually see where Madonna got her clothes)

DO NOT DISTURB (I'm willing to bet money Lady Jane Scarlett will buy those pantaloons, and that Schrodinger's Kitten already has them)

I HEARD A RUMOR (I heard a rumor...that Carmen Miranda was actually in the band!)

And if you're brave, check out their new stuff from 2005. Be prepared: the ladies are now COUGARS!

August 29 - International Anything Day

2011-08-29T00:15:00.000-04:00

We all have lists of things we want to do, and if you come here, then you REALLY have a list of things to do. But what are you to do if there's something on your list that never makes it into the official lexicon of days, or even International Day?

Today is your answer. It is International ANYTHING Day. This means you are able to 'Insert Your Day Here'...and get away with anything.

Craving Pancakes? Then it can be 'International Pancake Day'.

Want to take your mom to the park? 'International Take Mom to the Park Day'.

Serial Killer? 'International Murder your Neighbor Day'.

See...it works for everyone!

August 28 - International Put A Face On Your Food Day

2011-08-28T00:22:00.000-04:00

International Put A Face On Your Food Day

Remember in elementary school when they had cheeseburger day, and they'd give you a little packet of ketchup to go with it, and (if you weren't one of those little bastards who took the ketchup and stuck them under the bus tires) you would make a little smiley face on the hamburger patty before you put the bun on it? Yeah, good times.

So today, while you're squirting the frosting on your Toaster Strudel, putting the syrup on your pancakes, or making a sandwich, relive your childhood and put a face on your food!

By the way, these pictures are from Sea Hag's kitchen.

August 27 - International Punch A Hussy Fat Day

2011-08-27T00:00:00.000-04:00

Studies in parapsychology and quantum mechanics have shown that purposefully using malapropisms and transpositions in everyday language in order to confuse a conversational partner is still as annoying as it ever was. In honor of this time-tested method of pissing people off, spend today coining phrases that, if one letter was changed for every word, would actually mean something.

Like “pinch a hussy fat,” for example, or “pass oft, yon asp.” It’s fun, it makes people mad when they don’t understand you, and you can actually cuss people out right in front of their faces without them knowing about it.

August 26 - International Bow Down Before the Hyperion Day

2011-08-26T00:01:00.000-04:00

And on the twenth-sixth day of the eight month, a child was born. Thus fulfilling the prophecy of the Homernut book. Satanic Republican Monkey Worshipers everywhere rejoiced at the coming of the child. As quoted in the scripture:

"Bear in mind that August 26 is the anniversary of the day I became Hyperion, a most holy and sacred day."

Today this child, this forebearer of neocon Simpson's-loving obsession, is known as:

Hyperion.

On this sacred day, people across the globe are not called upon to spend time with our families or dole out extra money on Hallmark cards or go sit in a cold dank place with other folks. Oh no. The Hyperion has plans for us. They are called the Five Hyperboles.

Aitch Hyperbole 1: Today you must put comments on My day's entry. If you don't, you are a scum sucking tadpole.

Aitch Hyperbole 2: Thou shall advertise the supremely cool group projects on your own blog. An ad in the super bowl would barely suffice if you don't have your own blog.

Aitch Hyperbole 3: Touch the River Midget! Love the River Midget!

Aitch Hyperbole 4: Appreciate all that He does for you, little people. The only acceptable forms of appreciation are beef jerky, cold hard cash and Simpson's DVD's.

Aitch Hyperbole 5: If you have seen Hyperion's face, it is the last thing you will see. His identity must be a secret, for if Ann Coulter knew where to find the Hyperion...well, let's just say there'd be trouble.

And if you don't do as he says, then he will send harsh emails to you.
But please remember! Underneath all this harshness, all this crass Denny's waitress harassing exterior is a teddy bear just waiting for a big hug.

August 25 - International Murder Fantasy Football Owners Day

2011-08-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

Any person that plays Fantasy Football either over the internet or in a week to week paper type game is called an owner. They make all the decisions about who will start each week and the dreaded who to bench decision.

The ones that really suffer though are the spouses. After Fantasy Football Cram day, they have had a glimpse into how there weekends for the next 4 months or so are going to be spent. The ones that also have husbands or wives that are college football fans as well sometimes slip into depression at the sound of Lee Corso's voice.

Well, to remedy that situation, I offer you a tip. Get your cell phone and call the house phone. Your spouse will not reach for the phone, they will still be preparing for the draft. Answer it, pretend to talk then call out "Honey, Bill Parcells is on the phone." When your significant other hops up to run to the phone, bash them over the head with the top to there mini tailgating grill. You may have to bash them a few times, but the exercise maybe worth it. Staging it to look like an accident is your job.

August 24 - International Fantasy Football Cram Day

2011-08-24T00:00:00.000-04:00

All across North America and probably in many spots across the world, the fast approaching (American) Football season is causing grown men and women to act like giddy children on Christmas Eve.

Football means alot of things to a lot of people. Tailgating parties, marching bands, drinking beer at 9 am to get ready for the 4 o'clock game (a Philly Tradition for sure), "Friday Night Lights" and of course the joy that watching a well played football game brings. But for many, it is also the culmination of a long study.

Fantasy Football has swept the nation. It takes a lot of work to find that fourth Wide Receiver who has the best YAC, or that second tight end for your primaries week off. That is where International Fantasy Football Cram Day comes in. You take the day off, get your various magazines and websites arrayed out in front of you and study. The only way to find that backup kicker is of course to take the day off and hunker down with the books of knowledge from The Sporting News.

Plus you don't want this to happen

August 23 - International Chalkboard Einstein Day

2011-08-23T00:00:00.000-04:00

Today we celebrate the life of Einstein, one of the greatest minds of all time, by looking into his long and..... ehhhh, do that on your own time! Today, we create chalkboard pictures of Einstein with funny quotes! Using the link, you can create as many pictures as you like. Then put them on your website, send them to friends, or just blow them up and frame them as if they are real. Then, when friends come over, try not to laugh as your "blowhard" friend acts like he knew that Einstein said "Scratching my testicles with a cold two liter in hand, rapping to the bitch at the French fry stand." (Actually, it was Insane Clown Posse.) Don't you want to see your friends fall flat on their face? Here are a few of mine:

This one I actually used on my homepage today, as it dovetailed into what I posted. Notice how I make it seem like Al is covering up another word? Hee hee

Classic Simpsons. I was just going to put the equation, but people are dumb, and I like the idea of Al solving the whole thing.

Many people think Billy Joel wrote this....but it was actually Al.

Here I'm being all ironic and shit. Then again, it was Al who invented the bomb. Whoa.......Double Irony!

It is my goal in life to trick one of the presidential candidates to use the term "shocker" in one of their speeches. Maybe at a rally in Kansas....

Let us know what signs you made in the Comments!

August 22 - International Take Your Sex Slave to Work Day

2011-08-22T00:20:00.000-04:00

Your gimp is tired of being ball-gagged in the basement for your sexual pleasure. Why not take him to work?

Co-workers will be thrilled to hear your tales of how you met Mr. Silence in a gay bar. How he shows his 'excitement' for you when you come home.

We'd all like to hear about how you outfitted your basement with handcuffs mounted to the wall, and why the floor is covered in hay.

Be sure to introduce your sex slave to your boss - and if you have the opportunity, share the safe word with him so he can have some fun too!

Do us all a favor - be sure to make him wear assless chaps. We all deserve a good day.

August 21 - International Candy Coated Day

2011-08-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

Requirements:

1. List your top ten favorite candies on your blog. Or just think about them till you salivate.

2. Purchase your favorite candy and pig out!

3. Watch Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

4. Consider licking chocolate sauce off of your lover, but not for too long. Then actually do it! I recommend just a couple of erotic drops placed in sensitive spots. (If you don't have a lover available, savor the flavor of an ice cream cone or a lollipop. Or better yet, lick em all!)

Have a sweet day!

August 20 - International Mock A Vegan Day

2011-08-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

Inspired by this post and Dr. Suess:

Oooooh,

Vegans are carefree
Vegans are swell
Vegans think carnivores
Are going to Hell

Vegans are oddballs
Vegans are twee
Vegans need mocking
By you and by me

Sooooo,

Vegans are strange
Vegans are neat
Vegans have hair
On the tops of their feet

Vegans are flighty
Vegans are hirsute
Vegans smell funny
Whenever they veg-toot

Vegans are colorful
Vegans are spotty
Vegans are pinchfaced
And funky-weird grotty

Vegans are hungry
Vegans are odd
Vegans dress funny
And smell like old cod

Vegans wear burlap
Vegans aren’t fun
Vegans are glad
That this poem is done.

August 19 - International Wacky Pre-Packaged Mexican Dessert Awareness Day

2011-08-19T00:16:00.000-04:00

International Wacky Pre-Packaged Mexican Dessert Awareness Day

You've seen them at the gas station or Wal Mart, and now is the day to overcome your fear and give into temptation. Ignore the fact that you can't read the ingredient list and eat some Mexican pre-packaged pastry today! When you are done eating them, it is recommended that you yell the name of the product randomly the rest of the day. iSPONCH!

August 18 - International Pirates of Finance Day

2011-08-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

I was going to let everyone off easy for today. I planned to celebrate August 20th as International Ennui Day, I'm sure that we all would have loved being couch potato for a day!
But, I got yelled at by the Barn Overlord. (sheesh! who knew his sphere of influence has as much girth as his...oops, I digress). Newly entrapped, I mean...inspired to re-create August 20th, I turned to recent events in the US financial markets.

Hedge fund managers whining about their tax burden, subprime lenders wondering why their clients can't pay their loans (uh, duh), the Motley Fool actually encouraging folks to buy Pfizer stock.

All signs of financial meltdown, at least to me.

So I am NOT a licensed stock broker, trader of money, or a Motley Fool. But, I do know this.

1. Spending more than you earn is so not good. Tis easier to find the treasure of One-Eyed Willie than pay back interest plus principal.
2. The following is faulty logic, unless you have reserves of gold medallians: "I need that $10,000 carbon fiber Guru bicycle, and it would totally pay for itself in less than a year." (It IS pretty sweet eh?)
3. Learn bears and bulls and NASDAQ and S&P500 and DJIA.
4. If you have a new pirate ship, don't bitch about money m'kay?
5. If you are new to stock trading, find an investment club. They're all over and it's a great way to learn the ropes, and find new friends. Most investments clubs perform better than the S&P500.
6. For personal finance, having a spreadsheet of monthly bills will work wonders.
7. Saving even a bit of money each month will help out on rainy days, or let you do something fun. Shop around for good interest rates. 0.25% is not good!
8. If you are young (20's-30's), invest now into your 401k or forever hold a job.
9. If you are in a pickle, there are people who will help you for free. Stay away from sharks who will charge you a certain % to help you get out of debt.
10. Constantly check and re-check what you are paying for your credit card interest, your insurance rates, your phone plans, even your airline miles plan. Don't be afraid to negotiate new terms if they are no longer satisfactory to you. A good rule of thumb is every 6 months.

And last but not least, enjoy what you do have! Appreciation will counter-act those pesky Joneses faster than Ali's right hook.

August 17 - International Act Like A Birthday Princess Day

2011-08-17T00:12:00.000-04:00

International Act Like A Birthday Princess Day

Tell people it's your birthday and they smile at you. Wear a plastic tiara and clip-on rhinestone earrings while you tell them, and a world of free booze awaits you. So go down to your favorite bar and wear your very prettiest princess costume and ask - no, demand - a pink birthday cake and presents and all the peach daiquiris you can stand. It's time for you to embrace your Inner Birthday Princess and get treated today like you should be every day!

August 16 - International Whozewhatzit Day

2011-08-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

I find myself often not able to remember the name of a common household object, be it the telephone, the cat, the TV remote, or whatever the name of my spouse is, it slips my mind presently. So, when sentences like "do you know where that thing is, it was on the thing that last time I saw it" causes frustration.

Hence, whozewhatzit day. This is the day where you can actually get away with inserting Whozewhatzit in place of "That Thing" and the other person in the house can not look at you dumbfounded like you have 3 heads.

They actually have to respond with, "I will help you look for the whozewhatzit, dear"

Plus, as an added benefit, think of the fun that can occur with replacing the word whozewhatzit for thing every chance you get. "Hi, is there anywhozewhatzit I can get you?"

August 15 - International Back-To-School Supplies Day

2011-08-15T01:24:00.000-04:00

Run to your local Staples, Office Max, Office Depot or Wal-Mart! It's back-to-school supplies shopping day. Some thoughts below:

3-Ring Binders - You gotta get the kind with pockets. Why they make binders without pockets, I'm not sure. But the pockets are good for those lazy kids (like me) who, even when handed a sheet of paper with the 3-holes punched in it, still stuff it in a pocket.
Crayons - Get the basic 8. Who needs 16 shades of blue anyway? (If cash is a little low, you can always head over to your local Denny's and request the kids' menu - it comes with three crayons.)
"Peachies" - Anybody know if they still make the PeeChee folder? Man, I loved doodling on those folders during class - making the football players scramble for a donut, drawing spikes on the knees of the runners, and making the tennis player fart.
Lunchbox - Nothing makes a statement of your individuality quite like the lunchbox. Here is where you can make or break your "cool factor" among your friends. You certainly don't want something lame, but on the other hand, you don't want the same lunch box as 10 other people in school.

August 14 - International Play Guitar Hero and Do Nothing Else All Day Day

2011-08-14T00:16:00.000-04:00

You heard me! Play hooky from work - play Guitar Hero all day. Master the advanced levels.

You know you want to.

August 13 - International Muppets & Meatballs Day

2011-08-13T00:00:00.000-04:00

Watch Muppets clips @ YouTube.com or rent a few episodes of the Muppet Show today. You will smile. I promise! You may even find yourself laughing at the antics of those adorable critters.

Have you ever made Swedish Meatballs? Don’t forget to sing the Swedish Chef Song, (Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue… No, this is not real Swedish. It’s silly!) as you roll em and pat em. Then cook and devour em. Yum!

August 12 - International Read Poetry to Someone You Love Day

2011-08-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

INTERNATIONAL READ POETRY TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE DAY

I know it might sound hokey, but guys I promise you this: you take the time to read some poetry to the person you love, and you WILL be rewarded. (Besides, don't you want that special someone to be happy?)

But ladies, today is not just about sitting around as he reads poetry. You need to step up to the plate and do your part. To help I have assembled a few links of poems that might get you going. Read to your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, parent or (if you're into that sort of thing), your pet!

Some things to remember:

It's not about reading each line perfectly, it's about you taking the time to do this for your loved one. If he/she/it loves you back, he/she/it will understand and appreciate your hard work.

However, it would be a good idea to read over the poem out loud to yourself once or twice before trying it for your sweetie. Poems have a certain cadence and rhythm to them that is just as impotant as the rhyme scheme and storyline. A poem is a living thing, and you want to not just get the words right, but the feel.

Speaking of Rhyme, guys, you might be able to get away with "free verse" to your women-folk, but ladies: stick to poems that rhyme for the guy. Otherwise he might get suspicious.

Most importantly: POETRY WAS MADE TO BE READ ALOUD!!!! Half the magic is hearing the words come out of someone's mouth. Do this right and you've created and awesome tradition!

But what to read?

Well, for husbands and wives, I recommend each of you Take a Browning and read to each other. Elizabeth Barret Browning wrote a slew of great poems, but he might like "A Man's Requirments." And for the guys, read her Robert Browning's "A Pretty Woman." (And if you really want to be cool follow that up with a spoken word version of Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman." Pretend it's still Browning. You'll crack her up and get even more than you would have gotten.)

Maybe you have a son into The Lord of the Rings. How cool would it be if you suddenly recited the Song of Aragorn to him? It's short enough that I bet you could memorize it:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

But maybe your loved one isn't into traditional poetry. Not to worry. I found this site full of great Pirate Poetry (including one about a porno pirate).

Not to be outdone, here is a great Ninja Poem, and another one.

And if that's not enough for them, what about a day when aliens invade and zombies come up from the earth? (The cool thing is, this is actually a love poem by Neil Gaiman. Guys and girls will love this one.)

Maybe you have a daughter or girlfriend who is more into the melancholy and dark. Try something along the lines of Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gently into that Good Night." (Here is the first stanza:)

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And if that doesn't sate her dark side, read her "The Vampire's Farewell."

Now, if you're ready for something a little more advanced I do have a couple for you, but beware: you will need to practice these a bit, for the poetry is difficul to read correctly (but in my opinion, the effect is all the greater).

Try Rudyard Kipling's "Ballad of the King's Jest." This poem is not for children, as reading it correctly requires a very fast pace with almost machine gun enunciation. However, you pull this off and you are a god. Here are just a few lines so you know what I'm talking about:

In a turquoise twilight, crisp and chill,
A kafila camped at the foot of the hill.
Then blue smoke-haze of the cooking rose,
And tent-peg answered to hammer-nose;
And the picketed ponies, shag and wild,
Strained at their ropes as the feed was piled;
And the bubbling camels beside the load
Sprawled for a furlong adown the road;
And the Persian pussy-cats, brought for sale,
Spat at the dogs from the camel-bale;

Incredible, no?

Another challenging but rewarding poem is "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes. I myself have never mastered this one in recitation but am giving it a shot this year. [editor's note: since writing this post I have practiced THE HIGHWAYMAN several times. It is VERY hard to get the cadence right, but very very sexy if you do. Pretty much guaranteed smooches.] Here is the third stanza:

III
Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord's daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

I hope these give you a few options. If you have others, by all means leave a comment! And remember, if all else fails, try a little Odgen Nash:

"Further Reflections on Parsley"
Parsley
Is Gharsley

"The Cow"
The Cow is of the bovine ilk
One end is moo, the other milk

"Ode to a Baby"
A bit of talcum
is always walcum

"What's the Use?"
Sure, deck your limbs in pants,
Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.
You look divine as you advance . . .
Have you seen yourself retreating?

"Candy"
Candy is Dandy
But Liquor is Quicker

Selah

August 11 - International lolcat Day

2011-08-11T00:00:00.000-04:00

We here at International ___ Day have our fingers on the pulse of American culture. Not ones to take advantage of scantly clad women, like those attention whores at the Monkey Barn, we are serious about maintaining our journalistic credentials through solid reporting and family-friendly photos.

Thus we would like to celebrate today as the first ever International lolcat Day.

Now what IS an lolcat? It's a cute picture of a cat, with a funny/absurd/weird caption. The most famous lolcat is HappyCat who stunned the world with a simple question.

So, hang out with some lolcats today. You'll smile all the more for it!

August 10 - International Boop an Animal Day

2011-08-10T00:27:00.000-04:00

The boop, or 'zerbert,' is an expression of affection that goes back to caveman days. I know this, because I was there. Neanderthal women would cuddle up to their dirty, stinky babies and apply their lips to a soft cheek or belly and go "PBBBBBBTTTTBBBPPPPPT!" to the giggles and wiggles of a now happy baby.

It's a known fact animals like affection too. Plus, they're furry. And who doesn't like fur? Nobody, that's who. So, pick up the next animal you see and give it a healthy boop on the tummy or neck or wherever it doesn't have claws or teeth or matted clumps of whatever it just rolled in.

Bonus points if it's not your animal.

Triple bonus points if it's a wild animal. Booping a wolverine makes you the automatic winner.

August 9 - International Speed Bump Appreciation Day

2011-08-09T13:12:00.000-04:00

Sure they are annoying, but those speed bumps littered throughout roads and parking lots all over America serve an important, yet forgotten purpose. Most people would assume the existence of speed bumps only helps prevent accidental collisions between cars and cars or cars and pedestrians. While this is true, many people are unaware of the latent launching capability speed bumps possess for passengers riding in the back seats of vehicles or tandem bicycles.

To enjoy a speed bump, timing is everything. You do not need massive amounts of speed to get your back-seat passengers to "touch" the ceiling of your vehicle with their heads. But in some instances, speed bump enjoyment requires a driving environment where local authorities are not present. (See video below).

In some poorer communities, where speed bumps are lacking due to shortages in funding for road improvements, you can still give those riding in the back a good amount of air time by seeking out the local "speed dips". Speed dips work much like speed bumps, only in reverse. True, they tend to be rougher on the vehicle, but the flight generated by coming out of a dip can sometimes be much higher than one generated by the average bump.

Happy bumping (or dipping)!

August 8 - End Gay Baby Seals Discrimination Day

2011-08-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

I was doing a charity drive a few weeks back and one commenter who shall remain nameless, wished me luck with the raising money for gay baby seals. Now, I smiled, or possibly giggled, but I think I was punchy from lack of sleep. The next day, I looked over my comments and thought, hmm "gay baby seals" that may be a cause I could really get behind, well from far far away.

Now, I googled "gay baby seals" and while I found some bumper stickers that discussed the idea of "Nuking gay baby seals for Jesus", which I felt was a humorous joke, though when it comes to Jesus, who knows. But, no one trying to save those baby seals from nuking. I mean we have Greenpeace, but they care about all baby seals not just the gay ones. I don't see any rainbow ribbons with little seal eyes on it looking back at you so sweetly. I felt it was time to correct that injustice.

So, on End Gay Baby Seal Discriminaton day, I ask you to find a gay baby seal and give it a hug, say we support you and maybe give them a quarter or something. Now I know it will be difficult, being that all baby seals look alike, no way to tell if they were gay or not. Plus, its freaking cold where most seals live. But, I am not a marine biologist, I just come up with the big ideas and expect the lemmings, er I mean readers to follow it. So, go, run, save the gay baby seals.

August 7 - International Play '80s Games Day

2011-08-07T00:00:00.000-04:00

I'd like to recall the joy of playing simplistic video games of the '80s era. (Yeah, I'm dating myself, so what—I'm 34.)

Some of you might be too young to have played Atari at home or Ms. Pac Man on the boardwalk, but everyone can join me today by stopping by an arcade to play Skee-Ball or the most vintage video game that you can find.

If you can't get to an arcade, click a few 80s-riffic games online.

Come on, feel like a kid again. Play for a few minutes. It will be fun!

August 6 - International Inappropriate Joke Day

2011-08-06T00:18:00.000-04:00

Ever have the perfect joke to tell at the office or bank or church, but have to bite your tongue HARD because you just can't think of a way to 'clean it up' for the audience?

Well, today's your day to let 'em fly. You know there's a raft of dusty ol' bits that make you laugh every time, but you haven't said because you're polite. Or chicken.

Tell your best worst joke in the comments, and we'll all ~~gasp in horror~~ laugh with you.

August 5 - International Talk. Like. KirkDay

2011-08-05T01:00:00.000-04:00

Talk. Like. KirkDay.

You. Think. You. Havenoreason. To. TalkLikeKirk. But. YouDo.

Today. Is. TalkLikeKirkDay. You. Must. Speakthewholeday. Asif. You. Are. CaptainJamesT.Kirk.

Walk. Aroundcornersinyouroffice. Screaming. Kaaaaahhhhhnnnnnn! Andthen. Clench. Yourfists.

Emote. Likeyoumeanit.

August 4 - International Be Bear Grylls Day

2011-08-04T00:08:00.000-04:00

International Be Bear Grylls Day

Bear Grylls is a totally smokin' hot badass. He's such a badass that he scores a solid rating of 'Chuck Norris' on the International Scale Of Badassery. And so we take today to celebrate 'Man Vs. Wild' and Bear Grylls by becoming him. Here are some tips:

1. Go parachute into the most remote wilderness you can find.

2. Bring with you only a knife, a flint, and a water bottle.

3. If you get hot, take off your underwear and put them on your head. If you are still hot, pee on your underwear before putting them on your head.

4. If you get hungry, there are many things you can eat in nature, such as bugs, worms, grubs, spiders, rotten zebra meat, snakes, sheep eyeballs, raw bird eggs, turtles, raw fish, honey, rodents, and piranha (but only if you shot them with a bow and arrow that you made).

5. If you get thirsty, find a running stream or underground aquifer. If you can't find running water, you can drink the water off of fresh elephant turds or you can drink your own fresh pee.

6. Head towards bodies of water, that's where most people live. Bonus points for making a raft.

7. Climb up all the rocks and trees that you find, and mention the time you climbed Mt. Everest at least twice.

8. If you are on a volcanic island, and your shoe catches on fire, it's too hot to walk there. Find somewhere with less magma.

9. Take off your shirt whenever possible.

August 3 - International Make Your Own T-Shirt Day

2011-08-03T13:16:00.000-04:00

Tell people exactly what you think - make your own T-shirt. Creating your own apparel has never been easier. Here are some options:

The Basic - If the budget is low or the deadline is soon, this is your best option. All you need is a t-shirt (white) and a sharpie (black)

The Puffy Basic - Same as above, but with colorful "puffy paint." It creates a nice 3D look.

Classic Iron-On Letters (see photo) - A little more expensive, but legible (if you can spell correctly).

Digital Design - Make it on a computer and print it out on an iron-on transfer (just remember to print out a mirror image).

August 2 - International Swoon over Ryan Adams Day

2011-08-02T00:00:00.000-04:00

August 2nd is devoted to Ryan Adams and will certainly go down as highly popular here at International ___ Day as a cultural phenomenon (second only to International Pirates for Picard Day). What is it about Mr. Adams that can make one forget about river midgets, mean boyfriends, and crappy Dead tribute bands?

It is not the chain-smoking aroma that permeates 500 m from his person. (at least for me)
It is not necessarily his devotion to oral hygiene.
It is his heart-felt songs.
It is his prolific nature. (makes one wonder)
It is those gorgeous blue eye.
It is his unwavering vision of who he is as an artist.
And, Sea Hag digs him. That should be reason enough.

Swooning away, :) LJS

August 1 - International Magi Day

2011-08-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

It's August, the "hottest" month of the year, and we here are International Day wanted to start things off right; and we have with International Magi Day.

What IS I.M.D., you might ask?

As you know, the story of the Wise Men or "Three Kings," would more accurately call them Magi. (Incidentally, no one knows how many there were. The Bible never says three, but that's neither here nor there.)

Anyway, according to the story, when the Magi found out that A) King Herod wanted to kill Lil' Jesus and B) Lil' Jesus was pretty freaking cool. (By the way: "Lil' Jesus" would make a GREAT Hispanic Rap name.)

So these Magi decided to go home another way, to keep Herod off the trail. (Of course Herod outsmarted them in a crafty move by deciding to just kill EVERY boy under 2, but again, that's neither here nor there, unless you were a Jewish Toddler two thousand some odd years ago.)

To this day, whenever we go ANYWHERE and are returning via a different route for some reason I always say, "We're Magi-ing it!" (and perhaps hum "We Three Kings," or at least pull a coin out of someone's ear.) But while that never gets old and you should definitely add it to your repertoire, it's not why I want you to celebrate this holiday.

[We pause now as Hyperion takes a DRAMATIC LEFT TURN]

The point of International Magi Day is to take your partner "home," but do so in an unconventional way. If you don't know what "take your partner home" means, I can't help you. But I will tell you the areas that must be avoided:

Basically, today your job (heck: since it's a holiday; your Celebration!) is to find a different route "home," or to go it like the Magi!

Now, I cannot tell you specifically how to do this (unless you wanted to lend me your partner for a few hours), but I do have some helpful suggestions:

Sensuous Back Rub

Sensuous Tummy Rub

Sensuous Foot Rub Light

Spanking (wait: scratch that one. I'm not sure what you would spank with the ol' backside unavailable)

Nuzzling/Lightly Biting Neck and Earlobes

Read her a "story" (perhaps one you find on Hyperion After Dark), or just make up one of your own.

I'm sure there are others, which you're more than welcome to share with us in the Comments!

Enjoy this day and remember to feel like Royalty as you take a new road Home.

July 31 - International Insult Day

2011-07-31T00:10:00.000-04:00

Fresh off yesterday's much needed tug at the heartstrings, I felt it was appropriate to end another wildly successful month of International_______Day with

INTERNATIONAL INSULT DAY

That's right, folks. We've all heard great burns we just can't wait to share. Here's your chance. Share the best insults you can think of. (If they actually happened in real life, bonus points!) Pick any target you want. (Lady Jane Scarlett is always a good choice), and have at it!

But don't JUST leave a great comment: today you have Hyperion's permission to insult anybody!

That's right: Anybody. Even your boss. If she complains, just show her the website; it's International Insult Day!

When you're insulting people (and taking the insults hurled back at you good-naturedly), don't neglect the classics:

"I'm rubber, you're glue: whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

Them: You suck
YOU: Oh, yeah? Your mother sucks!

Come on world: I know you got it in you (even though every one of you is dumber than a sack of hair)

July 30 - International Give an Unsolicited Compliment Day

2011-07-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

One of the downsides of modern existence is that a person can drift for days without contact with other people more genuine or heartfelt than an 'excuse me' at the watercooler or nod over the urinal. We all too frequently coast through our time at work, and more distressingly, at home, without engaging any of our higher thought processes, let alone saying something meaningful or positive to affirm or encourage the people around us. Sometimes we simply assume they know what we think. Other times we fear sarcastic reaction. And occaisionally we procrastinate tell ourselves we'll let them know another day.

Well today's the day.

Today we come out of our shells. Today we abandon our comfort zones. Today we find the people we otherwise overlook. We take the time to see them as people, and address them empathetically as human beings.

Tell them how much you like their haircut. How their outfit goes with their shoes. How much you value their work. What a beautiful baby they have. How much you love them, and how you have every day for the last thirty years. Whatever. But DO IT TODAY.

Get busy people. Folks out there need to hear what you haven't told them, right now.

July 29 - International Top Ten List Day

2011-07-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

In honor of Hyperion, who is a master at top ten lists, today is International Top Ten Lists day. I'd like to mark the day with my three favorite top ten list makers:

The dudes from "High Fidelity"
David Letterman
Hyperion

So appreciate the top ten list, and those who make them, like the big Aitch.

July 28 - International Pizza Day

2011-07-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

I know we don't need a special day to eat pizza, but please overindulge today.

July 27 - International Write on Dirty Cars Day

2011-07-27T02:48:00.000-04:00

HELP I AM TRAPPED UNDER A PILE OF DIRT AND CAN"T GET OUT!

What better way to let an owner know his car needs to be washed than to write a note in the car's own dust? You are doing the car and the owner a favor.

Happy International Write on Dirty Cars Day!
Text of Message Optional - Be Creative (Wash Me is Overdone)

July 26 - International Don't Ask Day

2011-07-26T19:05:00.001-04:00

Just for today, refrain from asking questions.

No, do not ask me how I am, nor if I want fries with that. Not a single question shall pass your lips, from dawn to dusk today.

Do NOT ask why.

July 25 - International Christmas in July Day!

2011-07-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

Today is International......

otherwise known as JULISTMAS!

Why should wee have to wait 12 whole months to celebrate Christmas? We don't!

From here on (until the end of time) July 25 will be known as Julistmas!

If you're working make sure you celebrate at the office. Decorate a twig. Wrap up a stapler and give it to a co-worker. Or go outside and make an alternative snowman.

The possibilities are endless.

You can get your friends together, and sing Christmas carols in the park, like these guys:

And if you need inspiration, look no further than the jolly fat man himself. He sure knows how to celebrate the holiday!

Go nuts, for Julistmas comes just once a year!

July 24 - International Keyser Soze Day

2011-07-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they live in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. Nobody has ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. "Rat on your pop, and Keyser Soze will get you." And no-one ever really believes.

Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And poof. Just like that, he's gone.

Be Keyser today. Just don't kill so many people.

July 23 - International Rum Cake Tossing Day

2011-07-23T00:20:00.000-04:00

Year - 1422

Place - Cornwall

Scene - In the kitchen of the castle of the local Lord

Persons - the cook, the Chef, his wife, and a killer

On December 15th, 1422, Lord Bombus Smythewick of Cled am Haddish, Cornwall, was entertaining local dignitaries. Lord Smythewick was the disputed but beloved leader of Clan Balldiddle, having come to power after the sudden and suspicious death of the previous cruel leader, Lord Crumpuddle, who had slipped and fallen down a very deep well filled with old bones and rancid meat-shavings. Despite Bombus being a good Lord, there were those in the Clan who would rather see the old Lord's son, Claprydde, take the throne of Dunfraffle.

The dinner party, intended to be a means of joining forces with the local houses of influence, had gone off rather smashingly, and all that was left to be consumed was the tripe and cheese dish, to be followed by the flaming rum cake.

Little did the festive crew know, but that a raving lunatic of a supporter of Claprydde had snuck into the house disguised as kitchen help, succesfully poisoned the rum cake, and was now scrubbing pots in the scullery, trying to make himself inconspicuous until the dastardly dessert was digested.

Little did the raving lunatic of a killer know, but that the cook and her lover, the chef, were having a bit of a snog in the bakery when the Chef's wife walked in on them and instantly was rendered blindly irate by the scene. Snatching up the first thing at hand, she flung the poisoned rum cake at the coupling couple, who had just fallen to the floor in a crumple of lust, thereby missing them entirely but landing square on the head of the disguised killer, knocking him into the knife block and impaling him on a 10" bone cleaver carelessly stowed point out, rendering him quite dead.

Therefore, July 23rd was declared International Rum Cake Tossing Day to commemorate this event, because, let's face it, December 15th is just too close to Michelmas to be sensible.

July 22 - International Leavin' on a Jet Plane Day

2011-07-22T02:01:00.000-04:00

At the end of this month, yours truly, the great and wonderful Kapgar, is leaving for a much-needed vacation. And I'd like to take this opportunity to encourage you to do the same.

Has there ever been a place you've desperately wanted to visit?

Is there a relative you haven't seen in years?

Maybe you just need a break from work and want to spend some quality time with the truly important people in your life.

Take this day to look into those opportunities. No, today need not be the day you actually take the vacation. But you should spend today looking into where you can go and how you can get there.

Find a map, close your eyes, and just point at some random place. Discover the world. Find out a little something about the country where you live or another one nearby.

There's a whole world out there waiting for you.

Management Note: See? We told you he'd be in a better mood. And you doubted us.

July 21 - International Geek Crush Day

2011-07-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

Whether it's Bill Gates, Urkel, or the kid next door, it's high time we admit our crushes on the geek crowd. They are charming, and their glasses hide those adorable puppy-dog eyes. Their intellect demands respect, their vunerability begs our love, and their ineptitude in fashion sense elicts pity.
Personally, I geek crush on the Supreme Court justices. My geek crush-odometer went through the roof when John Roberts was nominated and confirmed as the Chief Justice. Ironically enough, he replaced my other geek crush, Sandra Day O'Connor. Don't ask me why, I think he's brilliant (even though I don't necessarily agree with all his views) and adorable (even though he's not my type). By the way, doesn't he look adorable in that robe??

July 20 - International Get-Over-Yourself Day

2011-07-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

This day is special. This is the day that you get to walk up to that person -- you know, the one whose world revolves totally around him or her, who sees the people around him or her as luck-EEEEE because they have the good fortune to be in the presence of greatness, that person whose whole narcissistic attitude causes most folks to throw up a little in their mouths -- yeah, them -- and say: "Oh for Pete's sake, get over yourself!"

You know the type. They dominate every conversation because, quite frankly, they are more beautiful/important/successful than you, the average bloke. They think you look to them for every square ounce of fashion sense, every opinion, every bit of advice, because they. Just. Are. Yeppers. Just because they exist.

This type of person only cares about how they look. You know the people who buff, polish, and shine their cars, vacuum them within an inch of their automotive little lives, and Armor-All everything? Yet they never check under the hood? That's who I'm talking about. My person, whom I work with, is like that. Bonded teeth, colored/highlighted/lowlighted, $5000 breasts, cute outfits. She's never finished an antibiotic, always choosing to stop before the prescription ended because "I feel better." She doesn't read because "I'll never be bored enough to read." She sees family members who chose to pursue their education past high school as "nerds."

She's a Leo. Obviously. Many of these people are. I said many. I did not say all. I'm not all that interested in astrology, but reading one description of a Leo is amazingly accurate:

The dark side of Leo creeps out usually when they are, or think that they are, being ignored. Sulking results when they are not the absolute centre of attention. Leo will drum up some scene both good and bad to get attention, any attention! Leos can be very self opinionated, bombastic, and overbearing. One of Leos most noted traits is too much pride, leading to pomposity and snobbery. The other noted negative trait is being far to touchy, touchy about everything. When Leos pride and feelings are hurt the temperature drops, they become very touchy and retire to their throne.

Proud, jealous (sibling rivalry starts here), vain, bullying, pompous, snobbish, intolerant, dogmatic, stubborn, patronizing, egotistical, conceited.*

So if the person you wish to tell off today is not a Leo, they should be. Tell them anyway. Tell them to get over themselves. Tell them the world does NOT revolve around them. It'll be fun. Even if it is like teaching a pig to sing.**

You'll feel better.

*This description was found somewhere on the internet and I forgot to link to the source. If you are the source, thank you.
**Teaching a pig to sing never works and it only annoys the pig.

July 19 - International Beef & Cheddar Appreciation Day

2011-07-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

I think we all can agree that, much like Peanut Butter and Jelly, the Scarecrow and Mrs. King and Madonna and A-Rod, Beef and Cheddar are meant to be together.

They just are.

I personally am a big fan of the Arby’s Beef and Cheddar, but I’m easy to please. Any Beef and Cheddar combo is good for me.

Please take time today to appreciate the Glory that is Beef and Cheddar. Make it a part of your day. You won’t be sorry.

July 18 - International Respect The Dog day

2011-07-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

A Dog is not a clown.

Next time you go to a Dog show, have a serious word with those who dress their dogs like this (see pictures, sad right?)
.

And this is from me who don’t even like Dogs. But tell me, how would you feel if you were “ridiculisé” like this, huh?

July 17 - International Jermaine Dupri Day

2011-07-17T12:01:00.000-04:00

If experience is the best teacher, then there's no one better to teach the world about making hit records and living the lavish life than Jermaine Dupri.

So write a song today, or pull out that Kris Kross, Usher or Janet Album and listen to it. Wear your pants backward (because it's wiggidy wiggidy whack). Put on some mad bling. Roll in your Benz through the Hood and remember your roots. Just act like a media mogul (not Suge Knight) today, you won't regret it.

July 16 - International Sing in the Store Day

2011-07-16T00:01:00.000-04:00

While in the supermarket, the first strains of The Pina Colada Song (Escape) are beginning over the loud speaker. Is the urge to sing overwhelming even though people are around and your voice is hopelessly off key?

Sing Loud - Sing Proud. Do a little boogie if the mood strikes.

Happy International Sing in the Store Day!

July 15 - International Do A Favor Day

2011-07-15T00:28:00.000-04:00

Today, if someone asks you for a favor, Say yes.

Don't whine about the inconvenience, or make noises about what a big deal it is. Just say yes, and then do it, with as little fuss and fanfare as possible.

If you are thanked, say You're welcome. If you aren't, let it go in the knowledge that a good deed benefits the doer most of all.

July 14 - International Un-Birthday Day

2011-07-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

A very merry un-birthday to US!

I know some people were actually born on July 14, but somebody's got to lose, and by a committee of me, it's them. So, screw those people who's birthday this is! This is now OUR UN-Birthday! All the rest of us! We get the cake, and they get nothing - that's right you heard me. Nothing! Take their presents, take their strawberry filled cakes from Safeway. It's our day now!

Also we should crash their parties at Chuck-E-Cheese later. Little kids crying while we eat their pizza is a lovely birthday sound. Plus, we can all fit in the ball thing. Trust me.

July 13 - International Farfelonus Day

2011-07-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

Beans, beans the musical fruit
The more you eat the more you toot
Beans, beans, they're good for your heart
The more you eat the more you'll fart
The more you fart the better you'll feel
So eat some beans with every meal!

You know you want to.

Today's the day!

Honor the humble bean. Partake in its many gifts. Carry air freshener. Wear loose-fitting trousers. Enjoy.

July 12 - International Punch a Cyborg Day

2011-07-12T00:01:00.000-04:00

If there is any one thing I hate, it's those little Bluetooth cellphone headsets that people wear.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate everyone who wears them. I realize that it's a necessary piece of equipment when you are a businessperson and you may be talking on it all day long.

But, I beg of you, please do not keep it in your ear when it is not in use. If you are not, at this very moment, talking into the damn thing... take it out of your ear until such time arises that you need it. Otherwise, you risk being part of today's celebration.

That's right, people! It's time to teach these pseudo-cyborgs a lesson, Wolvie-Berserker style!

Yeah! Find a person who has one of these things in their ear and is not using it and rip it out of their ear and smash it on the ground and, when they ask you why you did that, pummel them.

Photographs linked in the comments are worth extra points!

(Note: the management here at International _____ Day does not condone violence. We recognize that kapgar is just in a really pissy mood this week and this was the first thing he could think of when he realized his deadline was fast approaching. We promise... he WILL be in a better mood for his next day on the 22nd, so help us.)

July 11 - International Procrastination Day

2011-07-11T00:38:00.000-04:00

Uh... I'll do the rest later, okay?

We're Right Behind You!
-Motto of the Ancient and Much Revered Brotherhood of Procrastinators (Local 228)

July 10 - International DUDE Day

2011-07-10T02:03:00.000-04:00

Dude! It's Dude Day! Dude.

Dude, just say Dude at the end of every sentence, ok, dude? Got it dude? DUDE!

I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

July 9 - International Cliché Day

2011-07-09T00:01:00.000-04:00

We all are painfully aware of Clichés. Why, I typed in the word "DAY" to this Cliché finder, and these are just some of what it came up with.

save for a rainy day, salad days, red-letter day, plain as day, nine-day wonder, month of Sundays, Monday-morning quarterback, honest as the day is long, here today and gone tomorrow, have a field day, first saw the light of day, his days are numbered, I wasn't born yesterday, all in a day's work, houseguests and fish stink after three days, wound up tighter than an eight day clock, two days older than dirt, today is the first day of the rest of your life, midnight is where the day begins, tomorrow is another day, one day I will wake up, and it will all fit together, give a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for life, eight days a week, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a day late and a dollar short, make my day! every dog has his day, at the end of the day, Dog day afternoon, if you expect to soar with the eagles during the day, you can't hoot with the owls at night, day in and day out, today is the first day of the rest of your life, if ifs and buts where candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas, in a week or ten days, hair today - gone tomarrow, don't give up your day job, Make My Day! in this day and age, mama said there would be days like this, counting the days, Rome wasn't built in a day, Even a broken watch is correct twice a day. bad hair day, Another day, another dollar! That will be the day when I die, the good old days

Clichés are often used because people are too lazy to aptly describe what's going on. Or they are too lazy to come up with anything else. We are not like that, are we?

But every once in a while it wouldn't be so bad to revel in Clichés, would it? And since there's no time like the present, I declare July 9 to be International Cliché Day. All day long annoy everyone around you by speaking in nothing but Clichés. It'll be fun! You can give out Clichés 'til the cows come home, while eventually the chickens will come home to roost, when the cat's away the mice will play!

In the Comments tell the best Cliché you used today, or your favorite and least favorite Cliché ever. Or, tell about the Cliché that some relative always uses. (Sadly, half the ones above I've heard more than once growing up.)

Enjoy, for these are the (International) Days of our Lives.

{The picture is legitimate, as it is a picture of Karen Cliche. Respect the loophole!}

July 8 - International Eat Something New Day

2011-07-08T00:01:00.000-04:00

Chris Knight: Here Mitch, taste this. Too sweet?
Mitch Taylor: No... what is it?
Chris Knight: I don't know, I found it in one of the labs.
Mitch Taylor: Blech! Gah!
Chris Knight: I'm just kidding. It's only yogurt.

--Real Genius (1984)

Okay, so yogurt isn't exactly exotic by any stretch of the imagination. But, then again, many people will not allow themselves the opportunity to try new things. People have their favorite meals and snacks and, very often, they never deviate.

The purpose of International Eat Something New Day is to help all of you culinary stalwarts break out of your shell.

If there is something on a menu in a favorite restaurant that you've been afraid to try... TRY IT!

If you've found a restaurant in your area that has intrigued you but you've never "had the time" to eat at... BOOK YOUR RESERVATION NOW!

If you tore a recipe out of a magazine but have yet to actually pick up the ingredients and cook it... GET TO YOUR LOCAL GROCER!

I'm not talking about setting yourself with a platter of food that would make the former producers of Fear Factor cringe, just a minor deviation from your normal internal menu. Who knows, at best, you may find a new favorite dish... at worst, well, I'm not gonna touch that one.

July 7 - International Michael Corleone day

2011-07-07T00:02:00.001-04:00

Today is the day for all you underappreciated, overlooked youngest siblings to take charge of The Family. No worries of high strung older siblings, anal retentive "adopted" brothers or anxiously paranoid sisters. Indeed, today you will show your mortal enemies that their afternoon nap will involve some of the nice local aquatic life. You go for it, youngest sibling!

July 6 - International Razor Burn Day

2011-07-06T02:01:00.000-04:00

So that your legs don't catch fire when the bottle rockets skitter across the front yard, and so that your chin doesn't go up in a burst of smoke when you lean in too close to the bar-e-cue when you check to see if the briquettes are going good enough to throw the side of ox on the flames, and so that the kids don't go "ew" when you reach out to spike that volleyball into your nosey neighbor's face at the annual block party/team competition fest tomorrow, go get yourself a shave with a dull razor and celebrate International Razor Burn Day!

Feels GOOD to rub SPF40 into raw skin, right?

Feels GOOD to itch in unmentionable places, right?

Feels GOOD to have stubble bumps on the hottest fricking day of the year, RIGHT?

Join up, and celebrate good times. Come on.