July 5 - International Don't Drink Pee Day

That's right, you heard me. DON'T DRINK PEE.

You would think that this would be a no brainer; that, of course, we don't drink the pee!

And yet, some people DO drink pee, because they believe that it has miraculous healing powers. They argue that everything the body makes is sterile, and that ancient, unspecified cultures drank pee.

To which I reply: I LAUGH IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION! Dude, that is so gross! Sterile or no, there is not a single argument you could produce that would get me to drink pee, mine or someone else's, although drinking your own pee is marginally less fantastically disgusting than drinking someone else's.

But I digress.

DON'T DRINK THE PEE! I have to go wash my hands now.

July 4 - International Take A Penny, Leave A Penny Day

In North America there are probably ten million stores with these little courtesy trays, and if each has a dime's worth of pennies in them, that's a million dollars in free money set out for our convenience every day. And everyone has had their purchases rung up to the tune of $12.95, or $5.46 and dipped into the tray rather than get all that dumb change to haul around, right?

Today we balance that karmic debt in one bold stroke. Take a moment to round up all the household stray pennies you never find cost-effective to collect (between seat cushions on couches and chairs are best, also they seem to like to congregate around the washer and dryer). And in every store you enter today, look for the tray and drop a few pennies back into public circulation. You may jinlge all morning, but your shakras will thank you for it.

July 3 - International Um... Ya Know Day

Well.... um... ya know, it's that, um... day, ya know to um, just speak, ya know- normal.

Happy International Um... Ya Know Day!
The day it is ok to put "um" or "ya know" in place of a natural pause.

July 2 - International Blogocile Day

This, simply put, is the one day when you can let the world know just how little you know about blogging. Like, say, certain bloggers (huh? who? me?) who can take the simple exercise of creating an International Day and turning it into stinkin' rocket science? Like a blogger that cannot seem to follow a link to this site. Or a blogger that finds it suddenly difficult to understand the e-mails that, while simply stated and quite easy for most to read, become a senseless jumble of words. Like a blogger that tries to sign in to a blog that said blogger was very flattered to have been invited to join, only to spend most of the time annoying those very folks that issued the inept blogger the invite.

And, in other cases, like the blogger that has a hard time figuring out things such as code, links, and RSS feeds.

Blink.

I am a blogging imbecile. A blogocile, if you will. And I am an insult to the blogging community. Hug me.

July 1 - International Say it, don't spray it day

C'mon people speak clearly and don't spit when you talk. Is that too much to ask?

And if you're on the receiving end don't just ignore it but let them know- Say it, don't spray it.

Christmas Quote #12

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale

Christmas Quote #11

"We hear the beating of wings over Bethlehem and a light that is not of the sun or of the stars shines in the midnight sky.  Let the beauty of the story take away all narrowness, all thought of formal creeds.  Let it be remembered as a story that has happened again and again, to men of many different races, that has been expressed through many religions, that has been called by many different names.  Time and space and language lay no limitations upon human brotherhood."  ~New York Times, 25 December 1937

Christmas Quote #10

"Dad, I'd like to have a little talk...As the wage earner here, its your responsibility to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here's a list of some big-ticket items I'd like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do whats right for our country."

[and since it's Calvin, we can do one more]

Hobbes: "This article says that many people find christmas the most stressful time of year."
Calvin: "I believe it. This season sure fills *me* with stress."
Hobbes: "Really? How come?"
Calvin: " I hate being good..."

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #9

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~George Carlin

Advent - Day 9

Advent - Day 9

"Regaining the Christmas Spirit"

Recently a reader wrote in and asked,

I have lost touch with that exhilarating zing I used to feel with each approaching holiday, each change of seasons.


Now I experience life as a never-ending but sometimes-changing to-do list, and that's sad.


I need to change that.


Any suggestions?

For many of us that is all too true. For a myriad of reasons, we find ourselves not “into” the Christmas spirit. It is not where we want to be. We want to enjoy the season, the music, the treats, and yes even the shopping. More importantly, we know how blessed we are, and how grateful we should feel and being alive, living in a free country, and with so much bounty around us. But for whatever reason we cannot seem to connect.

Hyperion understands, and he is here to help. Below I have some ideas to help bring you into the Christmas spirit. They are guaranteed to put a twinkle in your eye and a ho-ho in your heart. (Or something like that.)

Things you can do to get into the Holiday Spirit

Make a Christmas Mix CD

I know this sounds hokey, but you would be surprised how much fun it can be. Spending the time finding the songs from your past you used to love and then burning the CD will already put you in the Christmas spirit, and then listening to your mix CD on the way to work or even at work will clinch the deal. In fact, I bet your co-workers will all want you to make them a Christmas Mix CD too!

Give Gifts Unexpectedly

Buy a few inexpensive gifts—we’re talking very cheap here, just little things—and wrap them up and keep them in your trunk. Then, over the next 10 days, look for opportunities to give the presents to people who might really need them. Maybe it’s a favorite teller at the bank or clerk at the grocery store whom you always go to, or someone at the library or post office. It can be for no reason at all other than to make that person’s day. Give these small gifts away to people who would never normally be on your gift list, and see how you give them a boost, and how much it helps you. Sometimes gift giving can seem like an obligation, but these gifts are bought not knowing who they will go to, only that you have faith that the opportunity will arise to make someone’s day.

One time my dad was in a warehouse store looking for something and he accidentally dropped twenty dollars in one of the boxes. He called up the store that night and gave the clerk specific instructions where to go look. The man took the phone with him (it was a huge warehouse), and was unable to hide his annoyance at having to perform this task when he wanted to go home. Finally, my dad managed to direct the man to the right box. “Look inside.” My dad said. The clerk replied there was a twenty-dollar bill. “Merry Christmas.” My dad said.

Suddenly the entire exchange was completely different for the clerk. What had been the capper to a bad day became a great way to start his holiday. You just know that he told that story to everyone, and even better: the next time a customer needed extra help I bet he was more attentive.

You don’t need to drop twenty dollar bills into boxes. Even dollar store figurines (Hyperion’s favorite little gift to give) wrapped up in little boxes can totally make someone’s day, even their Christmas. Remember: they are getting a gift from someone they never expected to, and it truly is the thought that counts.

I hope these ideas help. If you have any of your own please feel free to share them in the comments, as we all try to get into the Christmas spirit.

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #8

"Let's just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don't, and that's cool. But we're probably right. Amen." - Homer Simpson

Advent - Day 8

Advent - Day 8

"Merry Non-Denominational End-of-the-Year Gala (not that we're into that sort of thing) to You and Yours, or not Yours (both choices are equally valid)"

One trend that has come up recently is the push to take "Christmas" out of the holiday greetings, and the backlash from people who don't like it. We hear at International Day have looked into the matter and are comfortable declaring both sides ninnies.

First, to the people who are trying to take every last vestige of Christmas out of culture, get a life. People will always "decorate" their world with what's important to them, whether that means rock and roll bumper stickers, tean-beat posters, or, yes, Christmas decorations. Do they go too far? Sometimes, but only because of the tacky-factor. I concede you don't want government promoting religion, but a Nativity is hardly proselytizing at sword point. Rather, it is a reflection of that community, and as long as equal time was made for other traditions of community members (like Jews and Muslims), well, it seems like that would be a happy compromise.

More important that inane court fights, when someone wishes you a Merry Christmas, they are virtually never trying to
A) make you be a Christian
B) Put down your religion

Christmas in America rarely has much to do with God anyway. Yes, they share a name, but it has become a hybrid affair, full of a melange of traditions. Ask any 1st grader what Christmas celebrates and they're likely to tell you it's the birth of Santa. When someone wishes you a "Merry Christmas," they are usually only trying to be nice. Try to take it in that spirit.

And now, to the other side: to you who celebrate Christmas....

Pull your heads out of your....stockings, and try to realize that the world is bigger than your tiny limited experience. Some people don't celebrate Christmas. Why would they do that? Well, they could be Jewish or Muslim or any of a host of other religions. They could have had bad experiences growing up, or nor tradition whatsoever, and just aren't into it. They could have had a family member die close to Christmas, and for them the time is now a painful experience.

The point: there are a thousand valid reasons why someone would not celebrate Christmas. Don't let that stop you, but try to realize that not everyone is into it like you are, and your own exuberance can come across as obnoxious. Try to be respectful of other cultures, maybe even learn something about their traditions. If someone doesn't celebrate Christmas because of bad experiences, count yourself lucky you didn't go through that and try to be extra loving to the person. Let me tell you something, and if you learn nothing else in your life, learn this: a little extra compassion and understanding promotes your "Christmas Spirit" far more than forcing someone to wear a Santa hat, accept a gift or eat your kids' awful cookies.

Good one, Hyperion. Good one.

We here at International Day celebrate all forms of Winter Holidays, both out of compassion and as a opportunity for you to give me presents! (Giving helps you!!)

We celebrate the following (and would love to add more if you know of any)....

Christmas
Hanukkah
Kwaanza
Winter Solstice
Yule
Festivus
Dinosaur Present Day (Featuring T-Rex)
Ramadan (I know it's already happened, but if you want to send me presents....)


May whatever holiday you subscribe to be all the awesome you can handle

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #7

"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it." ~Katharine Whitehorn

Advent - Day 7

Advent - Day 7

It seems like a good time to honor Carson Williams, the dude who first did that Winter Wizards thing, setting up the lights at his house in sync to the Trans Siberian Orchestra, backin 2004. You had to have seen the video, but chances are you have not seen it in awhile.

I saw that Miller Lite had a commercial based on this. I sure hope they paid Carson royalties. Anyway, the original, and one of the coolest things ever: Winter Wizards!

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #6

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." ~Author Unknown

Advent - Day 6

I have had you furrowing your brow now for five days straight. It is time to relax and enjoy the lighter side of Christmas, with these Christmas jokes! (Ahem: some of these jokes are for when the kids go to bed! I have Asterisks next to those jokes so you can skip them if you are trying to stay pure.)


What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants' Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

***Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

***What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.


Once upon a time, there was a fellow who was down on his luck, and as he was looking through the classifieds, he saw an intriguing ad offering a ten million dollar reward to the person who could find and retrieve, intact, something called a "tis bottle."

Having nothing to lose, he calls the man who placed the ad. "I absolutely must have this bottle, and there are only three surviving in the world," the wealthy man tells him, "one is in the heart of the deepest jungle, one is at the bottom of the coldest, darkest sea, and one is at the top of the highest mountain. I will pay your expenses for however long it takes to bring me one of these bottles, as well as giving you the ten million."

Being an adventurous fellow, he decides to accept the offer.

First, he gathers a retinue of guides and hunters to go with him into the jungle. He studies for months to prepare, and when he is ready to survive, he sets out to get the bottle. Into the jungle he goes, and after many close calls, and much loss of life, he finds the bottle.

As he is on his way out of the jungle with the bottle well packed and padded, he is attacked by wild animals, and not only is he badly mauled, but the box with the tis bottle goes flying, and box and bottle shatter.

It takes some time for him to recover from his injuries, but when he's well enough, he begins preparations to retrieve the bottle at the bottom of the sea. He takes diving lessons, hires the newest and best deep-sea diving equipment and crew, and takes to the sea. With little trouble, they managed to get the bottle, but on the way up, they are attacked by sharks, and have to rush to the surface. In the hurry, the fellow not only gets the bends, but the bottle falls and breaks on the deck. More time in the hospital later, recovering slowly, he's more determined than ever to get the third and final bottle.

He spends over a year learning mountain climbing and survival, becoming accustomed to low oxygen and heights, and planning the ultimate shatter-proof container for the bottle. He hires a crew of experienced guides and begins his climb. By the time they reach the top, they're low on supplies, weak, and frostbitten, but he will not give up. The bottle is packed and secured, and the group begins the descent. When they reach the bottom of the mountain, the fellow again has to spend time in the hospital recovering from his injuries, but he keeps the bottle with him and in sight at all times.

Finally, he's ready to present it to the wealthy man and collect his reward.

He goes to the wealthy man's house, and carefully unpacks the "tis bottle" and hands it over. The wealthy man inspects it joyfully, and hands the fellow a check for ten million dollars.

"Thank you and good day, sir," he says, dismissing the fellow.

"Wait!" The fellow cries, “I was attacked by wild animals, suffered the bends, and lost fingers and toes for this bottle.


I've spent years looking for it, and almost as long in the hospital from trying to get it. Aren't you going to tell me why it's so precious and what it's for?"

"Um, it's a little embarrassing, actually. Why don't you just take the money and go?"

"I'm not leaving here until you tell me what this bottle is for!" Shouts the fellow.

With a sigh, the wealthy man motions for the fellow to follow him. They go into the back of the house, and the wealthy man presses a hidden button to reveal a secret door.

Behind the door is a small room with another door, behind a strong gate. The wealthy man unlocks the gate, unlocks the door, and opens the heavy vault door behind it with a combination. Inside the vault are thousands of bottles lined up neatly, wall to wall and floor to ceiling, with one vacant spot labeled "tis". Gently the man places the bottle in its spot, and declares "There you go."

"Oh, come on," the fellow replies. "There has to be more to it than that."

With a sigh, the man picks up a delicate, padded mallet that hangs nearby and gently begins striking the bottles, and a tune emerges.

"'Tis the season to be jolly..."

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #5

"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." ~Larry Wilde, The Merry Book of Christmas

Advent - Day 5

[In 2007, when this Advent originally ran, Day 5 fell on December 7th.  Don't Hate on Hawaii: PRETEND!]

Today is Pearl Harbor Day. What does this have to do with Advent? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.

The original Advent meant preparing for the return of the Lord. As in the Second Coming. The people preparing were supposed to be readying themselves for a time when they were not going to be there anymore. They didn't know when this day would be (and still don't); they were only to be ready.

No matter what your end-times beliefs, imagine those people in Hawaii, now 66 years ago. Though snow did not cover the ground, and people were more accustomed to surfboards (not sleds), they were still preparing for Christmas. The Civilians were waking up that Sunday morning, perhaps preparing for an Advent Sunday, maybe to do Christmas decorating afterward. Soldiers on duty were perhaps daydreaming of a furlough back home to Kansas for mom's Christmas dinner.

And then in a heartbeat, everything changed.

I'm not trying to make you all doomy and gloomy. But make no mistake: we should not, we dare not ever forget those people. Not only are they our honored dead; sacrificed in the opening salvo of a horrific war to come, but they illustrate so perfectly why you should be living in the moment and enjoying this holiday season.

Maybe you're sure (whether you should be or not) that you there in Palookaville, USA are safe from all enemies foreign and domestic. But honestly: you can't be sure you'll make it to Christmas. There are car accidents, bad tickers, and Full House Marathons.

So, please, enjoy every minute that you can, especially this season. Don't miss an opportunity to just sit and talk with your family, no matter what needs to be done. Take the time to look at your tree you put up: else why put it up?

I know you're busy, everyone is. But do you think the people of Honolulu might wish they'd spent their last week a little differently? Take a lesson, and eat some cookies now.


And just so we don't end on a downer, here are snowmen dancing to Mele Kalikimaka (Hawaiian for "Merry Christmas.")

The 12 Quotes of Christmas - #4

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."
~W.C. Fields

Advent - Day 4

Advent - Day 4

"That First Tingle"

In yesterday's Advent, I talked about the Christmas Season coming earlier and earlier, and admonished those who would carp about such things rather than take advantage. I wanted to approach the idea from a different angle. When I read my family the Advent, I asked them what are the first signs of Christmas that give you a tingle down your spine, that little extra rush.

Here are a few that I came up with:

Holiday M&Ms - I know it's hokey (especially now, as they do it for EVERYTHING, but it used to be we'd get a special green/red only holiday M&M package in December, and somehow seeing that in the stores always sort of made Christmas real.

Holiday Specials - I'm specifically thinking the classics, like Charlie Brown, Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life. They are always an extra reminder that it's Christmas soon.

Ceramic Decorations - My mom lives for snowmen; there are always hundreds around the house. However, most Christmas decorations only come out in December, like the little ceramic tree with all the small colored lights that go in the holes, or the ceramic nativity set. Whenever I see those around the house, I finally know it's Christmas.

How about you? What are the triggers out there to let you know it's getting close to Christmas?