Thursday, August 04, 2011

August 4 - International Be Bear Grylls Day

International Be Bear Grylls Day

Bear Grylls is a totally smokin' hot badass. He's such a badass that he scores a solid rating of 'Chuck Norris' on the International Scale Of Badassery. And so we take today to celebrate 'Man Vs. Wild' and Bear Grylls by becoming him. Here are some tips:

1. Go parachute into the most remote wilderness you can find.

2. Bring with you only a knife, a flint, and a water bottle.

3. If you get hot, take off your underwear and put them on your head. If you are still hot, pee on your underwear before putting them on your head.

4. If you get hungry, there are many things you can eat in nature, such as bugs, worms, grubs, spiders, rotten zebra meat, snakes, sheep eyeballs, raw bird eggs, turtles, raw fish, honey, rodents, and piranha (but only if you shot them with a bow and arrow that you made).

5. If you get thirsty, find a running stream or underground aquifer. If you can't find running water, you can drink the water off of fresh elephant turds or you can drink your own fresh pee.

6. Head towards bodies of water, that's where most people live. Bonus points for making a raft.

7. Climb up all the rocks and trees that you find, and mention the time you climbed Mt. Everest at least twice.

8. If you are on a volcanic island, and your shoe catches on fire, it's too hot to walk there. Find somewhere with less magma.

9. Take off your shirt whenever possible.


noochie said...

10. Only pussies simply tell people how to escape from ice water, a glacier crevice or quicksand. Bear Gryllses jump right into it and get out themselves, scaring the shit out of the cameraman and 12-man crew who is following their every move.

Sea Hag said...

...and then after he jumps in, he takes off all his clothes!

Anonymous said...

That guy is cute and amazing!

Biff Spiffy said...

Too much magma here.