Thursday, September 30, 2010

September 30 - International Ripper Day

On this day, September 30 A.D. 1888, the infamous Jack the Ripper killed his third and fourth victims in the Whitecastle area of London, England, U.K. Oh hell, that's supposed to read "Whitechapel." My bad. It's lunchtime as I write this and I'm hungry. Cut me some slack.

These women were Elizabeth Stride and Catherine Eddowes. As you all know, the Ripper was never caught. Hell, those lazy bastages at Scotland Yard never even had a clue who the hell he was.

In honor of Jack the Ripper, you must pair off with someone of the opposite sex. The female in the group must paint her neck red and splash red paint all over the front of her shirt. Then she must run around with three feet of uncut sausage links held in her hands at about stomach level. The male in the group must wear a mask, trenchcoat, and top hat and chase her around with a bloodied scalpel and meat cleaver.

This must be done in a crowded public venue.

Video evidence must be provided.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

September 28 - International Crikey! Day

On this Day September 28 A.D. 1992, The first Crocodile Hunter Show was produced. This show has given us many hours of pleasure and probably taught us a few things along the way.

So in honor of the late Steve Irwin and the Crocodile Hunter Show, try to use the word (if it is truly a word?) "Crikey!" at least once today.

[posted for Koz]

Monday, September 27, 2010

September 27 - International "Look What I can Do!" Day

On September 27, 1996, Stuart Larkin began his stint on Mad TV. In his honor, we celebrate "Look what I can do!" day.

You are hereby granted permission to jump off roofs wearing bedsheets as capes, climb trees while holding your pet snake, and complete cartwheels on your front lawn.

Lose your common sense - and perhaps a leg.

Today you have the gift of being six.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

September 26 - International Adopt an Accent Day

On this day, September 26, 1963, at the absolute height of the Cold War, Sergei Androginov found himself cornered in the rear booth of a seedy diner. He had arranged a meeting with his FBI mole, but it was clear, from the looks on the two goons in the doorway, that his cover had been blown. It was also apparent the two men had no idea what he looked like, so he did the only thing he could think of... adopting the accent of a stuttering gay Scotsman.

"Th-th-thay, laddies, ye be lookin' fer a g-g-g-goot time ur ye?" The Feds, fearing they might offend a friend of the director, spun on their heels and made for the door.

Go head, adopt an accent. It's like taking a vacation without leaving the country. English, Irish, Scotch, and Canadian are the easiest to mimic. Add the speech impediment of your choosing and watch the girls/guys come running!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

September 25 - International "odd Canada" day

On September 25, 1987, a little old lady was looking for the Bryant Street theater and she wandered into an very savoury part of Canada. She found a store and bought a fur coat, but not a real fur coat (that's cruel) and set about to explore this fine region of North America. She discovered tasty bagels, Smarties candy that were similiar to M&M's, and way too many "u"'s in words. She rejuvenated with a delicious Kraft Dinner, and the waitress regaled her with many "eh's". To end the evening, she watched reruns of "The Kids in the Hall" and listened to Barenaked Ladies and Great Big Sea.

In honour of her explorations, we say "aboot" and "sooory". We remember the kindness and oddities of our neighbours up North and send them a big "eh.

Friday, September 24, 2010

September 24 - International Buy a Honda Day

September 24, 1948, Soichiro Honda goes from established racing auto mechanic to founding member of Honda Motor Company.

To honor this fundamental occasion we need to go out today and buy a Honda.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

September 23 - International Run Like a Kid Day

September 23, 1631 B.C. - Atlantis before the sinking

The leaders in Atlantis were called to council in an emergency session. Their people were too caught up in the emotional struggles of being enlightened. Being the most advanced civilization and setting the standard for scholars to study for all time turned the people into dull drones.

Atlantians were no longer having fun. How were people to look up to the society and search for them if fun was washed out of existence?

To correct this crisis, the council gathered in an effort to bring fun back into the everyday lives of their people. As the leaders pondered the situation, one leader began to daydream of the day when he was small boy and how he loved to run, arms and legs flailing outward from the body while the wind rushed past his face.

The daydream prompted him to suggest running as a kid as a way to bring back a sense of fun to Atlantians. If they remembered what is was like to run as a kid then maybe they would remember other ways to enjoy life.

The initiative was passed and more followed.

So go run like kid- not a jogger, not a runner - a child.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

September 21 - International She Walks in Beauty Like the Night Day

On September 21, 1814, Lord Byron penned the immortal poem "She Walks in Beauty, like the Night," reportedly after meeting his cousin Lady Anne Wilmot in mourning clothes, and thinking her black attire contrasted with her pale skin in a beautiful way. (I think we all have cousins like that, if you know what I mean). You can read the full text of the poem, but here is just a snippet:

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.

To what purpose Lord Byron used this poetry we can only guess, but I will tell you this: Lady Anne Wilmot had her early 19th Century Schwerve on.

So, in honor of Byron and his smooth hepcat ways, I want all the men of the world to learn a few lines of poetry to impress their Lady Loves. Hell: to impress any Ladies. Men, I tell you the truth: unless she is a power hitter for the other team (and often, even then), almost every woman likes to hear herself compared to poetry. Yes, she knows it is flattery, and you are possibly angling for

  • Sex
  • A good meal
  • Being allowed to watch football all day long
  • All of the above
  • All of the Above at the SAME TIME

But she will like it anyway. She will like the fact that you took the time to learn a stanza or two of poetry just for her. She will like that you have been thinking about her. Above all, remember what Homer taught Bart: When it comes to flattery, women are like blood-sucking monsters: always wanting more, more more!

This is your opportunity to feed the beast. If you are married, memorize this poem. You will have to call into work for a week.

Whatever you do, tell her something. Even if you have not a woman, find one, a perfect stranger if you must, and convince her she walks in beauty like the night.

You will not be sorry you did.

Monday, September 20, 2010

September 20 - International Guillotine Day

On this day, September 20 A.D. 1977, the French government made their final execution by lethal guillotine. Well, not that there's such a thing as a non-lethal guillotine in all honesty. Well, I guess if you don't sharpen the blade regularly it could be less-than-lethal and really more of an annoyance and creator of severe headaches, back problems, and neck cricks. But that's another topic altogether.

Seriously, though, this was the last time that France put someone to death using one of their famed head chopper offers. His name was Hamida Djandoubi and he was convicted of torture and murder and then executed at Baumettes Prison in Marseille.

Hey, I'm not BSing you. This is for real here, folks! You're learning something on this site!

In honor of the execution of Hamida and to celebrate one of the greatest instruments of execution ever devised, I want you to run around draped in a French flag with dozens of cigar cutters hanging around your neck (unless you actually have access to the real deal) and yell "Viva la France!" all day long.

Fitèna will love you for it.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

September 19 - International Foot Massage Day

On this Day, September 19 A.D. 1994, the world found out that giving a foot massage is almost like having sex. If you give a foot massage to the wrong person (someone's wife) you could be killed for it.

Today we thank God for giving us feet and we than Quentin Tarantino for bringing back the foot massage.

So whether you're a Foot F'n Master or just and amateur give someone a foot massage today, just don't get killed in the process.

[Posted for Koz]

Saturday, September 18, 2010

September 18 - International Get the Hell Outta My Way Day

On September 18, 2005, a clever (and darned cute) little lady busied herself with preparations for her day. There were errands to be run, items to be exed off lists, appointments to be kept. It was turning out to be a perfect late summer (it's the south, no fall here for another month and a half) day. Football scores were being discussed on the car radio -- yards gained, punt returns made, top twenty polls being predicted -- and all was right with the world.

Screech! The tires made a cry of protest as the lady skidded to a halt to avoid backing over the neighbor's oversized but lovable cat.

The car once again resumed its pleasant hum as the lady proceeded down the street. And once again, it expressed its displeasure when it was forced to stop, this time for a person whose left turn against oncoming traffic was far more important than anything this little lady needed to do.
Sheesh, she thought, as she wiped away coffee drips from the console.

To the drugstore, to the market, to the post office. In and out, right? At the drugstore, barefoot, filthy children darted in and out the aisles, screeching their glee as they finished a healthy breakfast of cheetos and soda. Oops! said the lady as she stopped short to avoid a collision with one of them. Where's your mommy, sweetie?

Watch it! cried the lady later, as she once again avoided a crash, this time with skateboarding little heathens -- why the hell aren't they in school? -- doing grinds on the post office steps.

Hey! cried the lady, much later, as the guy in the pickup truck cut in front of her to take the parking spot she had spied at the market.

Dammit! Whoa! Watch out there! shouted the lady at least three or four more times that afternoon.

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!! screamed the lady, venting all the frustration of the days' happenings at the neighbor's fat, stupid cat, who had placed itself strategically between the lady's feet and the front door.

And it felt good. Today, we celebrate that feeling.

Friday, September 17, 2010

September 17 - International "Drink yer Kool Aid" Day

On September 17, 2001, Kool Aid officially outsold Sam Addams at Safeway in Raleigh, NC. It seems that, in a fit nostalgia, local families began to increase to four or more childern.

In honor of this frightening epidemic, we celebrate. Today as International "Drink yer Kool Aid From a Pilsner Glass" Day.

Because EVERYTHING changes when you become a parent.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

September 16 - International So's Yer Mama Day

On this day, Sept. 16th, 2517 BC, Good King Oedipus had had enough. The throne room was a mess, the harem called in sick, and the wife was being contentious. Frustrated beyond description, he turned to the Oracle of Thebes for advice.

"'Sup, Eddie?" the Oracle queried.

"My palace is a mess," said Oedipus, "the harem called in sick, and my wife is an absolute bitch."

"So's yer mama," replied the Oracle.

Puzzled, yet intriqued by the Oracle's response, Oedipus could do little but repeat the phrase for the rest of the day, answering every question or remark, even those of his beloved wife and mother with, "So's yer mama." Over time, it became the default response to every utterance in the kingdom and around the world.

Give it a try. Answer "So's yer mama" to every statement or question tossed your way today and just see if it doesn't make the day go faster.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

September 15 - International Lady Jane Scarlett Day

On this day- September 15th, in the era of free love, hip huggers, disco, and shiny lip gloss, a child was born. Lady Jane would become a great pirate who fearlessly led her legion of followers to the path of slackerhood, great spaghetti sauce, and a quest to reduce global warming. LJS was born to a humble family in Ohio where she learned how to read by age 3 and got her first broken bones by age 5. In addition to her legacy as a fearless purveyor of the seas, Lady Jane is the only person ever to earn the Nobel prize in every category. She is adulated in 6 continents as a "cat whisperer" and is world-renowned as the best crooner of lullabies, ever. Due to the "penguin incident", she is an outlaw in Antarctica.

So today, September 15th, we celebrate International Lady Jane Scarlett day with a pirate "arggghhhhh!" and a shot of tequila.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

September 14 - International Be what You want to Be Day

On September 14, 1973, Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones was born. You may know him as Nigga Against Society. A.K.A. NAS. In 1994 his released his first album Illmatic, widely considered by most as "one of the best hip-hop albums of all time."

December 13, 2002 NAS releases his sixth album " God's Son " . This album contains one of the best track ever layed, "I can". This track is dedicated to "young people" and features an interpolation of Beethoven's Für Elise. This classic tune in combination with empowering lyrics such as

If the truth is told, the youth can grow
They learn to survive until they gain control
Nobody says you have to be gangstas, hoes
Read more learn more, change the globe


Young boys, you can use a lot of help, you know
You thinkin life's all about smokin weed and ice
You don't wanna be my age and can't read and write
Begging different women for a place to sleep at night
Smart boys turn to men and do whatever they wish
If you believe you can achieve, then say it like this

I know I can (I know I can)
Be what I wanna be (be what I wanna be)
If I work hard at it (If I work hard it)
I'll be where I wanna be (I'll be where I wanna be)

Is what brings us to International Be what You want to Be Day. To celebrate this day I want you to tie a sheet around your neck and fly like Superman or Karaoke your heart out to any shameful tune out there . Today I think I will be President ~ Lost Goddess

Monday, September 13, 2010

September 13 - International Sit on Your Head Day

To celebrate the first airing of the TV show Mork and Mindy, the city of Hygiene, CO started International Sit on Your Head day in 1982.

Many people know Mork as the cooky alien that landed near Boulder, CO and lived with Mindy to learn human customs. What is little known is that Mork actually touched down in Hygiene. Hygiene, sick of all the atttention Boulder recieved because of the show, decided to reclaim the alien with International Sit on Your Head Day to honor their first celebrity and generate tourism.

Nanu Nanu!

(this post is brought to you by Maria Holbrook)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

September 12 - International Dress Like Your Boss Day

On September 12, 1933, Bosses everywhere got together and decided to dress like goobers. Today we celebrate their,

There is one sure fire way to get your boss to notice you; dress like him or her. Imitation is the ultimate compliment after all. Show your boss you love their personal style.

Take the classic pin stripe suit, it looks great on a guy but it could be a show stopper on a woman.

Be careful not to over do it though or you might end up looking foolish. For example, not everyone can pull off this look.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Friday, September 10, 2010

September 10 - International Remembrance Day

On this day, September 10 A.D. 2001, much of the world lived their lives with little to no worries whatsoever. They woke up the next day to a whole new world.

In honor of life, live it!

Thursday, September 09, 2010

September 9 - International Celebrate Colonel Sanders's Birthday Day

On this day, September 9 A.D. 1890, Harland David Sanders, better known as Colonel Sanders, was born. It wasn't until 40 years later that he made his now Internationally Famous Chicken.
Today we remember the Colonel, and more importantly the chicken.
In honor of this day, go have some KFC Chicken. Original, Extra Crispy, Leg or Breast - it's all good.

Even better have one of their biscuits.

[posted for Koz]

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

September 8 - International 'Why Wait' Day

On September 8 1998, a certain little fellow was due to make his appearance into the world as we know it. Calendars had been consulted, bellies measured, and it appeared that this little chap was well on his way to a 9/8/98 birthday. Ah, thought mommy, how much fun this will be. What a conversation topic it might be. How much more simple could it be than to remember this particular birthdate, anyway? Even daddy might remember this one (unlike their anniversary, which always seemed to slip his mind, causing him to enter the doorway sheepishly and wink as he'd say, "you'll get your present later, baby" and give mommy's bottom a pat). Mommy growled at the irony, realizing all at once that she had actually gotten pregnant with this little chap on that darned anniversary date, after all. So as mommy sat on the examination table on the seventh day of that September, she grew impatient (as otherwise rational women that have been pregnant for ten months are wont to do), waiting for the doctor to come into the room and seal this baby's fate as the owner of the 9898 birthdate. But as the contractions started and the room started to spin, mommy worried that all was not well, and began to ponder the total insignificance of a 9/7/98 birthdate. NO! she screamed as the doctor entered the room, calling for nurses and stretchers and gloves. NO! she screamed as the doctor announced that this might be the first baby delivered in the doctor's office this year. NO! she screamed, for the third time, when the doctor said 'push.'

YES! she cried, when she held that impatient little chap to her breast. YES! you are beautiful and YES! you are healthy and YES! you will always be unpredictable.

So on September 8, join us as we celebrate that which comes before we are ready, that which happens when we thought we had it all figured out, that which throws everything we planned right out the window.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

September 7 - International "Whatever" Day

On September 7, 1779, Candace Smythe offically gave up hope. She refused to believe that, one day, things would pan out.

Life actually got better from there.

In honor of her memory, throw the alarm across the room, pull the covers tight, and just go back to sleep.

The fight just isn't worth it sometimes.

Monday, September 06, 2010

September 6 - International Nose Pickers Day

On this day, Sept. 6, 1776, Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, author of "A stitch in time saves nine", topped himself with, "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your friend's nose."

That's right, ol' Ben was wise in the ways of nostril mining. He also invented the world's first Press On nail. (Guess what he used it for?) Scientist that he was, he proved that booger fishing improves blood flow to the brain, increasing the IQ by up to 50 points. And as a diplomat, Franklin put the snot in "snotty French people."

So celebrate your international heritage today! Flick one at the car in the next lane, smear one under a co-worker's desk, or feed your inner child and eat it yourself.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

September 5 - International "gimme five" day

On September 5th, in the year 555, James Peabody McHugh had become fed-up with the stuffy and formal greetings of the royal court of Highboroughcourt. He toiled for so long and though hard about his dilemma. In the 5th hour, James, in a fit of despair and sheer idiocy, slapped his forehead with his hand and said "give me five".

Whereas the historians of Highboroughcourt argue that James intended that he wanted those five hours back-because he realized this endeavor was a waste of time. But, serendipity struck. A beautiful courtier, Selene, had seen this event and lifted her hand and said "no, you give me five."

James lit up, and behold! The first "gimme five" was performed! Later, James and Selene married, had five children and reigned over five fiefdoms. Their court was one of casual greeting and both were beloved by their subjects for the "gimme five" and their awesome aligator-filled moats. An era of peace, prosperity reigned.

Now we see the "gimme five" everywhere, but today we remember its origins. In honor of the hard work by James and the serendipitious discovery by Selene, give your buds a "gimme five."

Saturday, September 04, 2010

September 4 - International Fight the Power Day

In September 1892, union workers in New York City took an unpaid day off and marched around Union Square in support of the Labor Day holiday. Protests against President Cleveland's harsh methods made the appeasement of the nation's workers a top political priority. In the immediate wake of the strike, legislation was rushed unanimously through both houses of Congress, and the bill arrived on President Cleveland's desk just six days after his troops had broken the Pullman strike.

1894 was an election year. President Cleveland seized the chance at conciliation, and Labor Day was born. He was not reelected.

So what we all can do to honor this day is to protest against the man's harsh methods. Strike against unfair labor practices.

I Want You To Fight the Power !


Friday, September 03, 2010

September 3 - International Lick Your Elbow Day

On this day September 3, 2004, Robin and his band of friends were hanging out in the plaza of the town square. John and Guy, whom most called Gizzie because of his extreme turkey like neck, were overheard telling some girls there was nothing that they could not do.

Overhearing the conversation, Robin bet John and Gizzie they would not be able to lick their elbows.

Some people have said that John and Gizzie have been seen every now and then trying to lick their elbows in hopes to finally win the bet.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

September 2 - International Whoa! Day

On this day, September 2, 1966, Mexican Actress Salma Hayek was born. In honor of this wonderful gift to the world we should all go out of our way to watch one of her many fine films and gaze upon her many fine assets, marveling at her fine acting and generally just saying "Whoa!".

Film Recommendations

(For more Salma Hayek movies, check out her IMDB page)

Also on this day, September 2, 1964, Keanue Reeves was born. Please watch one of his many great films and look for the fine acting. (Or just go around all day saying "Whoa!" like Keanu does. You know you want to.....)

Film Recommendations

(For more, see Keanu's IMDB page)

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

September 1 - International Rabbit Ears Day

International Rabbit Ears Day

On this day, September 1. A.D. 909, William of Tecolia made the first recorded Rabbit Ears. He and a band of Black Irish Gypsies were exploring a cave in what is today called Southern France, when they heard a small army advancing into the cave and towards William and his mates.

Will got the great idea to have everyone give themselves Rabbit Ears, which made their Cave Shadows look evil and scary, thus driving off the army.

(That's one big rabbit)

Sadly, when William and the others got to looking at each other and how silly they were, they laughed so hard they caused a cave-in and all perished.

Today we (thankfully) don't remember the cave-in, but we do remember the Rabbit Ears. One of the "Once Funny Always Funny" jokes, Rabbit Ears are universal, and always welcome, be it around the campfire or Uncle Miltie's funeral.

In honor of William and the boys, give someone the Rabbit Ears today. It's funny, they deserve it, and who knows? They might even die.**

(**Note: Hyperion does not desire the death of hot girls.)