Sunday, July 31, 2011

July 31 - International Insult Day

Fresh off yesterday's much needed tug at the heartstrings, I felt it was appropriate to end another wildly successful month of International_______Day with


That's right, folks. We've all heard great burns we just can't wait to share. Here's your chance. Share the best insults you can think of. (If they actually happened in real life, bonus points!) Pick any target you want. (Lady Jane Scarlett is always a good choice), and have at it!

But don't JUST leave a great comment: today you have Hyperion's permission to insult anybody!

That's right: Anybody. Even your boss. If she complains, just show her the website; it's International Insult Day!

When you're insulting people (and taking the insults hurled back at you good-naturedly), don't neglect the classics:

"I'm rubber, you're glue: whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

Them: You suck
YOU: Oh, yeah? Your mother sucks!

Come on world: I know you got it in you (even though every one of you is dumber than a sack of hair)

Saturday, July 30, 2011

July 30 - International Give an Unsolicited Compliment Day

One of the downsides of modern existence is that a person can drift for days without contact with other people more genuine or heartfelt than an 'excuse me' at the watercooler or nod over the urinal. We all too frequently coast through our time at work, and more distressingly, at home, without engaging any of our higher thought processes, let alone saying something meaningful or positive to affirm or encourage the people around us. Sometimes we simply assume they know what we think. Other times we fear sarcastic reaction. And occaisionally we procrastinate tell ourselves we'll let them know another day.

Well today's the day.

Today we come out of our shells. Today we abandon our comfort zones. Today we find the people we otherwise overlook. We take the time to see them as people, and address them empathetically as human beings.

Tell them how much you like their haircut. How their outfit goes with their shoes. How much you value their work. What a beautiful baby they have. How much you love them, and how you have every day for the last thirty years. Whatever. But DO IT TODAY.

Get busy people. Folks out there need to hear what you haven't told them, right now.

Friday, July 29, 2011

July 29 - International Top Ten List Day

In honor of Hyperion, who is a master at top ten lists, today is International Top Ten Lists day. I'd like to mark the day with my three favorite top ten list makers:

The dudes from "High Fidelity"
David Letterman

So appreciate the top ten list, and those who make them, like the big Aitch.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

July 28 - International Pizza Day

I know we don't need a special day to eat pizza, but please overindulge today.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

July 27 - International Write on Dirty Cars Day


What better way to let an owner know his car needs to be washed than to write a note in the car's own dust? You are doing the car and the owner a favor.

Happy International Write on Dirty Cars Day!
Text of Message Optional - Be Creative (Wash Me is Overdone)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

July 26 - International Don't Ask Day

Just for today, refrain from asking questions.

No, do not ask me how I am, nor if I want fries with that. Not a single question shall pass your lips, from dawn to dusk today.

Do NOT ask why.

Monday, July 25, 2011

July 25 - International Christmas in July Day!

Today is International......

otherwise known as JULISTMAS!

Why should wee have to wait 12 whole months to celebrate Christmas? We don't!

From here on (until the end of time) July 25 will be known as Julistmas!

If you're working make sure you celebrate at the office. Decorate a twig. Wrap up a stapler and give it to a co-worker. Or go outside and make an alternative snowman.

The possibilities are endless.

You can get your friends together, and sing Christmas carols in the park, like these guys:

And if you need inspiration, look no further than the jolly fat man himself. He sure knows how to celebrate the holiday!

Go nuts, for Julistmas comes just once a year!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

July 24 - International Keyser Soze Day

He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they live in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. Nobody has ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. "Rat on your pop, and Keyser Soze will get you." And no-one ever really believes.

Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And poof. Just like that, he's gone.

Be Keyser today. Just don't kill so many people.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

July 23 - International Rum Cake Tossing Day

Year - 1422

Place - Cornwall

Scene - In the kitchen of the castle of the local Lord

Persons - the cook, the Chef, his wife, and a killer

On December 15th, 1422, Lord Bombus Smythewick of Cled am Haddish, Cornwall, was entertaining local dignitaries. Lord Smythewick was the disputed but beloved leader of Clan Balldiddle, having come to power after the sudden and suspicious death of the previous cruel leader, Lord Crumpuddle, who had slipped and fallen down a very deep well filled with old bones and rancid meat-shavings. Despite Bombus being a good Lord, there were those in the Clan who would rather see the old Lord's son, Claprydde, take the throne of Dunfraffle.

The dinner party, intended to be a means of joining forces with the local houses of influence, had gone off rather smashingly, and all that was left to be consumed was the tripe and cheese dish, to be followed by the flaming rum cake.

Little did the festive crew know, but that a raving lunatic of a supporter of Claprydde had snuck into the house disguised as kitchen help, succesfully poisoned the rum cake, and was now scrubbing pots in the scullery, trying to make himself inconspicuous until the dastardly dessert was digested.

Little did the raving lunatic of a killer know, but that the cook and her lover, the chef, were having a bit of a snog in the bakery when the Chef's wife walked in on them and instantly was rendered blindly irate by the scene. Snatching up the first thing at hand, she flung the poisoned rum cake at the coupling couple, who had just fallen to the floor in a crumple of lust, thereby missing them entirely but landing square on the head of the disguised killer, knocking him into the knife block and impaling him on a 10" bone cleaver carelessly stowed point out, rendering him quite dead.

Therefore, July 23rd was declared International Rum Cake Tossing Day to commemorate this event, because, let's face it, December 15th is just too close to Michelmas to be sensible.

Friday, July 22, 2011

July 22 - International Leavin' on a Jet Plane Day

At the end of this month, yours truly, the great and wonderful Kapgar, is leaving for a much-needed vacation. And I'd like to take this opportunity to encourage you to do the same.

Has there ever been a place you've desperately wanted to visit?

Is there a relative you haven't seen in years?

Maybe you just need a break from work and want to spend some quality time with the truly important people in your life.

Take this day to look into those opportunities. No, today need not be the day you actually take the vacation. But you should spend today looking into where you can go and how you can get there.

Find a map, close your eyes, and just point at some random place. Discover the world. Find out a little something about the country where you live or another one nearby.

There's a whole world out there waiting for you.

Management Note: See? We told you he'd be in a better mood. And you doubted us.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

July 21 - International Geek Crush Day

Whether it's Bill Gates, Urkel, or the kid next door, it's high time we admit our crushes on the geek crowd. They are charming, and their glasses hide those adorable puppy-dog eyes. Their intellect demands respect, their vunerability begs our love, and their ineptitude in fashion sense elicts pity.
Personally, I geek crush on the Supreme Court justices. My geek crush-odometer went through the roof when John Roberts was nominated and confirmed as the Chief Justice. Ironically enough, he replaced my other geek crush, Sandra Day O'Connor. Don't ask me why, I think he's brilliant (even though I don't necessarily agree with all his views) and adorable (even though he's not my type). By the way, doesn't he look adorable in that robe??

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

July 20 - International Get-Over-Yourself Day

This day is special. This is the day that you get to walk up to that person -- you know, the one whose world revolves totally around him or her, who sees the people around him or her as luck-EEEEE because they have the good fortune to be in the presence of greatness, that person whose whole narcissistic attitude causes most folks to throw up a little in their mouths -- yeah, them -- and say: "Oh for Pete's sake, get over yourself!"

You know the type. They dominate every conversation because, quite frankly, they are more beautiful/important/successful than you, the average bloke. They think you look to them for every square ounce of fashion sense, every opinion, every bit of advice, because they. Just. Are. Yeppers. Just because they exist.

This type of person only cares about how they look. You know the people who buff, polish, and shine their cars, vacuum them within an inch of their automotive little lives, and Armor-All everything? Yet they never check under the hood? That's who I'm talking about. My person, whom I work with, is like that. Bonded teeth, colored/highlighted/lowlighted, $5000 breasts, cute outfits. She's never finished an antibiotic, always choosing to stop before the prescription ended because "I feel better." She doesn't read because "I'll never be bored enough to read." She sees family members who chose to pursue their education past high school as "nerds."

She's a Leo. Obviously. Many of these people are. I said many. I did not say all. I'm not all that interested in astrology, but reading one description of a Leo is amazingly accurate:

The dark side of Leo creeps out usually when they are, or think that they are, being ignored. Sulking results when they are not the absolute centre of attention. Leo will drum up some scene both good and bad to get attention, any attention! Leos can be very self opinionated, bombastic, and overbearing. One of Leos most noted traits is too much pride, leading to pomposity and snobbery. The other noted negative trait is being far to touchy, touchy about everything. When Leos pride and feelings are hurt the temperature drops, they become very touchy and retire to their throne.

Proud, jealous (sibling rivalry starts here), vain, bullying, pompous, snobbish, intolerant, dogmatic, stubborn, patronizing, egotistical, conceited.*

So if the person you wish to tell off today is not a Leo, they should be. Tell them anyway. Tell them to get over themselves. Tell them the world does NOT revolve around them. It'll be fun. Even if it is like teaching a pig to sing.**
You'll feel better.

*This description was found somewhere on the internet and I forgot to link to the source. If you are the source, thank you.
Teaching a pig to sing never works and it only annoys the pig.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

July 19 - International Beef & Cheddar Appreciation Day

I think we all can agree that, much like Peanut Butter and Jelly, the Scarecrow and Mrs. King and Madonna and A-Rod, Beef and Cheddar are meant to be together.
They just are.

I personally am a big fan of the Arby’s Beef and Cheddar, but I’m easy to please. Any Beef and Cheddar combo is good for me.

Please take time today to appreciate the Glory that is Beef and Cheddar. Make it a part of your day. You won’t be sorry.

Monday, July 18, 2011

July 18 - International Respect The Dog day

A Dog is not a clown.

Next time you go to a Dog show, have a serious word with those who dress their dogs like this (see pictures, sad right?)
And this is from me who don’t even like Dogs. But tell me, how would you feel if you were “ridiculisé” like this, huh?

Sunday, July 17, 2011

July 17 - International Jermaine Dupri Day

If experience is the best teacher, then there's no one better to teach the world about making hit records and living the lavish life than Jermaine Dupri.

So write a song today, or pull out that Kris Kross, Usher or Janet Album and listen to it. Wear your pants backward (because it's wiggidy wiggidy whack). Put on some mad bling. Roll in your Benz through the Hood and remember your roots. Just act like a media mogul (not Suge Knight) today, you won't regret it.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

July 16 - International Sing in the Store Day

While in the supermarket, the first strains of The Pina Colada Song (Escape) are beginning over the loud speaker. Is the urge to sing overwhelming even though people are around and your voice is hopelessly off key?

Sing Loud - Sing Proud. Do a little boogie if the mood strikes.

Happy International Sing in the Store Day!

Friday, July 15, 2011

July 15 - International Do A Favor Day

Today, if someone asks you for a favor, Say yes.

Don't whine about the inconvenience, or make noises about what a big deal it is. Just say yes, and then do it, with as little fuss and fanfare as possible.

If you are thanked, say You're welcome. If you aren't, let it go in the knowledge that a good deed benefits the doer most of all.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

July 14 - International Un-Birthday Day

A very merry un-birthday to US!

I know some people were actually born on July 14, but somebody's got to lose, and by a committee of me, it's them. So, screw those people who's birthday this is! This is now OUR UN-Birthday! All the rest of us! We get the cake, and they get nothing - that's right you heard me. Nothing! Take their presents, take their strawberry filled cakes from Safeway. It's our day now!

Also we should crash their parties at Chuck-E-Cheese later. Little kids crying while we eat their pizza is a lovely birthday sound. Plus, we can all fit in the ball thing. Trust me.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

July 13 - International Farfelonus Day

Beans, beans the musical fruit
The more you eat the more you toot
Beans, beans, they're good for your heart
The more you eat the more you'll fart
The more you fart the better you'll feel
So eat some beans with every meal!

You know you want to.

Today's the day!

Honor the humble bean. Partake in its many gifts. Carry air freshener. Wear loose-fitting trousers. Enjoy.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

July 12 - International Punch a Cyborg Day

If there is any one thing I hate, it's those little Bluetooth cellphone headsets that people wear.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate everyone who wears them. I realize that it's a necessary piece of equipment when you are a businessperson and you may be talking on it all day long.

But, I beg of you, please do not keep it in your ear when it is not in use. If you are not, at this very moment, talking into the damn thing... take it out of your ear until such time arises that you need it. Otherwise, you risk being part of today's celebration.

That's right, people! It's time to teach these pseudo-cyborgs a lesson, Wolvie-Berserker style!

Yeah! Find a person who has one of these things in their ear and is not using it and rip it out of their ear and smash it on the ground and, when they ask you why you did that, pummel them.

Photographs linked in the comments are worth extra points!

(Note: the management here at International _____ Day does not condone violence. We recognize that kapgar is just in a really pissy mood this week and this was the first thing he could think of when he realized his deadline was fast approaching. We promise... he WILL be in a better mood for his next day on the 22nd, so help us.)

Monday, July 11, 2011

July 11 - International Procrastination Day

Uh... I'll do the rest later, okay?

We're Right Behind You!
-Motto of the Ancient and Much Revered Brotherhood of Procrastinators (Local 228)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

July 10 - International DUDE Day

Dude! It's Dude Day! Dude.

Dude, just say Dude at the end of every sentence, ok, dude? Got it dude? DUDE!

I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Saturday, July 09, 2011

July 9 - International Cliché Day

We all are painfully aware of
Clichés. Why, I typed in the word "DAY" to this Cliché finder, and these are just some of what it came up with.

save for a rainy day, salad days, red-letter day, plain as day, nine-day wonder, month of Sundays, Monday-morning quarterback, honest as the day is long, here today and gone tomorrow, have a field day, first saw the light of day, his days are numbered, I wasn't born yesterday, all in a day's work, houseguests and fish stink after three days, wound up tighter than an eight day clock, two days older than dirt, today is the first day of the rest of your life, midnight is where the day begins, tomorrow is another day, one day I will wake up, and it will all fit together, give a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for life, eight days a week, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a day late and a dollar short, make my day! every dog has his day, at the end of the day, Dog day afternoon, if you expect to soar with the eagles during the day, you can't hoot with the owls at night, day in and day out, today is the first day of the rest of your life, if ifs and buts where candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas, in a week or ten days, hair today - gone tomarrow, don't give up your day job, Make My Day! in this day and age, mama said there would be days like this, counting the days, Rome wasn't built in a day, Even a broken watch is correct twice a day. bad hair day, Another day, another dollar! That will be the day when I die, the good old days

Clichés are often used because people are too lazy to aptly describe what's going on. Or they are too lazy to come up with anything else. We are not like that, are we?

But every once in a while it wouldn't be so bad to revel in
Clichés, would it? And since there's no time like the present, I declare July 9 to be International Cliché Day. All day long annoy everyone around you by speaking in nothing but Clichés. It'll be fun! You can give out Clichés 'til the cows come home, while eventually the chickens will come home to roost, when the cat's away the mice will play!

In the Comments tell the best Cliché you used today, or your favorite and least favorite Cliché ever. Or, tell about the Cliché that some relative always uses. (Sadly, half the ones above I've heard more than once growing up.)

Enjoy, for these are the (International) Days of our Lives.

{The picture is legitimate, as it is a picture of Karen Cliche. Respect the loophole!}

Friday, July 08, 2011

July 8 - International Eat Something New Day

Chris Knight: Here Mitch, taste this. Too sweet?
Mitch Taylor: No... what is it?
Chris Knight: I don't know, I found it in one of the labs.
Mitch Taylor: Blech! Gah!
Chris Knight: I'm just kidding. It's only yogurt.

--Real Genius (1984)

Okay, so yogurt isn't exactly exotic by any stretch of the imagination. But, then again, many people will not allow themselves the opportunity to try new things. People have their favorite meals and snacks and, very often, they never deviate.

The purpose of International Eat Something New Day is to help all of you culinary stalwarts break out of your shell.

If there is something on a menu in a favorite restaurant that you've been afraid to try... TRY IT!

If you've found a restaurant in your area that has intrigued you but you've never "had the time" to eat at... BOOK YOUR RESERVATION NOW!

If you tore a recipe out of a magazine but have yet to actually pick up the ingredients and cook it... GET TO YOUR LOCAL GROCER!

I'm not talking about setting yourself with a platter of food that would make the former producers of Fear Factor cringe, just a minor deviation from your normal internal menu. Who knows, at best, you may find a new favorite dish... at worst, well, I'm not gonna touch that one.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

July 7 - International Michael Corleone day

Today is the day for all you underappreciated, overlooked youngest siblings to take charge of The Family. No worries of high strung older siblings, anal retentive "adopted" brothers or anxiously paranoid sisters. Indeed, today you will show your mortal enemies that their afternoon nap will involve some of the nice local aquatic life. You go for it, youngest sibling!

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

July 6 - International Razor Burn Day

So that your legs don't catch fire when the bottle rockets skitter across the front yard, and so that your chin doesn't go up in a burst of smoke when you lean in too close to the bar-e-cue when you check to see if the briquettes are going good enough to throw the side of ox on the flames, and so that the kids don't go "ew" when you reach out to spike that volleyball into your nosey neighbor's face at the annual block party/team competition fest tomorrow, go get yourself a shave with a dull razor and celebrate International Razor Burn Day!

Feels GOOD to rub SPF40 into raw skin, right?

Feels GOOD to itch in unmentionable places, right?

Feels GOOD to have stubble bumps on the hottest fricking day of the year, RIGHT?

Join up, and celebrate good times. Come on.