Thursday, March 25, 2010



We humans like to think of ourselves as fighters. Not in the "Are you gonna throw down, or just stand there and bleed?" sense, but more in the, "My white 78 year old grandmother had to take off her shoes at the airport; could my civil liberties be any more infringed upon?" sense; we stand up against the rising tide.

Whether it be Whether it be Family Values or Public Indecency or rappers who would prefer we smooch their hind ends or rising gas prices or the Octo -Mom Lingerie Line or Britney's attempt to teach kids to spell or Climate Change or the Evil People who disagree with Climate Change or people from another planet who want to clean our bathrooms and build our homes or people who want to forbid postpartum abortion or people who don't wear a flag pin or take off their jackets or wear white after Labor Day or the people who kept Sanjaya on so long or the people who talk in the theatre or the assault of the King's English at the hands of the LoL Mafia.....whatever it is, we like to think we stand up and take action.

Maybe we don't always fight to win--after all, that's the kind of commitment that can run longer than a commercial break--but sometimes we fight the fights that need fighting!

We fight, whether our coat is brown or our jacket is straight, because that's what humans do, right?

(Can I get an Amen?)

But maybe we don't have to keep fighting. Maybe the battles are already over. Maybe the "fight" we see is like light from distant stars, long burnt out, but still writ upon the heavens in all its glory.

This sounds un-American....un-Humanican! But maybe it's just acceptance, and doing so would bring us peace.

So quit worrying about battles that are already over, and just chill out. Enjoy. Relax. Follow along with the rest.

Get out there and March!

Like Lambs to the slaughter.

(After all: it is the end of March.....Lambs are all around!)

(After all: you can't spell slaughter without laughter.)

(After all: anywhere there's a slaughter, there's bound to be a feast.)

Who's hungry!

Monday, March 15, 2010

March 15 - March 24 - March of Madness

March 15 -24 - International March "With a Little Madness in Your Heart" Week

This week begins the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. Teams play all season for a chance to make "the Big Dance," a three weekend single-elimination tournament that is known to all as MARCH MADNESS.

Sixty-five teams begin this tournament; only one will be standing by the end. Thirty-four teams get in just by being good. The other thirty-one have some great teams as well, and then there's the best part of the whole thing: the little guys.

All over the country, schools you've never heard of get a chance to play in the Big Dance, to be a part of March Madness. These little guys are matched up against the big boys, and the odds are great they will go down first time out.

But every once in a of those little guys wins. Sometimes they even win two games, and if we're really lucky, maybe even three. In reality, the little teams have virtually no chance of winning the whole thing; only 10-12 teams do.

But we can live with that. We understand that when it's down to the Final Four the schools remaining will be house-hold names, powerful teams that most people picked. That's okay. Bold


Maybe it's crazy. Maybe it's part of our national psychosis to dream of "equality" when things can never be completely equal. Whatever. Those little guys have a chance, and that's all we ask. For the little guy to win just one game, or maybe even two. After that....who knows?

So, this week, whether you are a die-hard basketball fan or you can't tell a blue devil from a blueberry, I want you to March with a little Madness in your heart.

For the chance, that very small chance, the the little guy might get his day.

In some ways we're all little guys, at least some of the time, so we March for them, and we March for us.

For one shining moment maybe the little guy--and us--can be heroes too.

Monday, March 08, 2010

March 8 - March 14

International March like a Cat Crossing the Courtyard Week

In my favorite book series there is a lot of sword fighting, and before that, sword training. (I used to have swords, and would again if the state would let me.)

Anyway, when the characters in the book are training with their (practice) swords, they use what is called Forms. There are various forms, each with a precise set of movements and very colorful names, like:

The Boar Rushes Down the Mountain
Heron Wading in the Rushes
Apple Blossoms in the Wind
Parting the Silk
Hummingbird Kisses the Honeyrose
Stones Falling from the Cliff

You get the idea.

One of my favorite positions actually isn't for fighting at all, but rather, the way a swordsman is supposed to walk. The idea is to teach balance and readiness, so that the sword-fighter is NEVER caught off guard.

However, an ancillary effect is that he ends up looking about as arrogant as....well, a Masters Swordsman might look strutting around. The Form is called Cat Crosses the Courtyard. Here is a description:

A method of movement which maximizes alertness and reaction potential. Weight should be on the balls of the feet, with head held high and eyes constantly shifting, watching for threats. Arms and hands should freely move, not in pockets or holding items. Each step should be taken confidently, but not hurriedly.

One character breaks down the mechanics even further. The person's back should be ram-rod straight, as if their head and spine were connected on a wire. BUT HERE'S THE CATCH! While the head never dips, the entire rest of the body is relaxed and loose, as if about to fall asleep.

Whenever I read this description, I have two thoughts: How on Earth could you keep your spine that straight, while the rest of your torso is jelly? Also: if that ain't the fitting description of a cat, I don't know what is.

We may not all be able to be master swordsman like I am, but for one week, we can march around like we are. We may get some unfriendly glares, but we'll feel so good about ourselves that we won't care. (And I have a feeling that for every many who glares, a passel of honeys will be itching to show you a kitty of their own.)

This week, March Like a Cat Crossing the Courtyard. You deserve it!

Monday, March 01, 2010

March 01 - March 07 - International March Like You Own the World Week

March 01 - March 07

International March Like You Own the World Week

What I have noticed is that the world does not treat me as it should. Rarely is there bowing and scraping, a knuckled forehead, a doffed cap, a thrown pair of panties. It's only my due, so why not the recognition?

Then I realized that maybe the world is taking its cues from me. After all, when I could out on the town, am I strutting around, Cock-of-theWalk, like I own the place? In short, do I look like this guy?

(Not pictured: three midgets standing behind the guy holding him up)

Probably not. And, just being honest, I couldn't wear that many clothes without passing out. But I can walk like a King, and so can you.

Remember how in THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK you could tell the difference between the two Leos just by how he carried himself? Well, that's what you/I need to do!

Whether we have the clothes or not (and now that I'm thinking about it, I'm leaning towards a sable coat, or at least a neighborhood cat or two), we can certainly walk like we own the world. Countless hours of Elizabethan dramas and a five year friendship with Axyl Rose have convinced me the walk is really everything.

What you do is: sort of a military mince. You're powerful, you're in cadence, but with added pauses, as if to bask in the adulation of your subjects, nod to graciously to bows, leer at cleavage (without seeming to), and the like. (Warning: make sure you have people behind you, as picking up any thrown panties will only ruin the effect.)

(No touching until later)

You might even want to think about a scepter, and some royal headgear would also be in order, but the most important thing is the walk. Practice it at home in front of the mirror, and soon the crowds will part before you. No longer will you have to wait behind women buying food for an entire country. Now you will go to the head of the line.

After all, the world owes you!