Wednesday, August 31, 2011

August 31 - International Enthusiasm of a Three-Year-Old Day

Somehow during our growing up years, we lost that enthusiasm for life that we had when we were three-year-olds. Today is the day to get it (or shall we say give it) back. Look at the world through the eyes of a three-year-old. The awe and wonder. The innocence. And the excitement for the simple things in life... going "poopie" on the potty. Today, before you flush it down, tell somebody about it. You did it! Be proud. Remember, Elmo says, "When you've got the feeling, make sure you stop what you are doing, and go to the bathroom." No accidents today. Do you need somebody to help wipe? asking for a band aid if you get a "boo boo" (even if nobody else thinks you hurt). Make sure you get one with Lightning McQueen or Mickey Mouse. Somehow, those kind make it feel all better. taking a nap in the middle of the day. OK, so maybe there isn't so much excitement for a nap, but you know you feel (and act) a whole lot less grouchy in the afternoon after a good sleep. jumping into the arms of and burying your face in the neck of someone you love when they come home from work. praying with your hands folded and your eyes squinted shut so they look like they are closed, but you can still see. Even though you are peeking, you really mean what you pray. And ask God for those big things, like rocket ships and baseball home runs, and for everybody to get better, even if you don't really know what those things mean.

Happy birthday, Mister K.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

August 30 - International Bananarama Day

Today we break from our normal boring existence to honor the 189th most successful chart act of all time in the UK: Bananarama.

Besides having the most infectious cool band name of all time (and starting the fashion craze for pantaloon shorts), the band:

  • Single-handedly started "Girl Power." Madonna just copied them; these girls were the real deal.
  • Raised Social consciousness in the '80s with songs like "Robert De Niro is Waiting" (about disillusionment in teen relationships); "Hotline to Heaven" (a powerful anti-drug message when it wasn't "cool" to pass on grass); and of course who could forget that the girls were the only group to appear on the 1984 Band Aid album and the 1989 follow-up Band Aid II. (I know three girls who definitely know it's Christmas.)

When you think of Sara Dallin, Karen Woodward, and yes, even Siobhan Fahey,
you not only think "the best pop band in the last '80s years, you realize they changed the way we live. I for one could never express how horrible my summers were until the 'Rama explained it in "Cruel Summer."

I knew about love in the third degree (well, who didn't), and I had ideas about love in the second. But it was not until those scrappy potassium purties sang about it did I know of "Love in the 1st Degree."

And I knew about Mars. I knew about Mercury. Heck, though I don't wanna pick out china patterns or nothin', I even knew about Uranus. But I didn't know about "Venus" until Bananarama wrote and sang that awesome song.

So today I say we honor Bananarama. If at all possible, adopt one of their fashion-forward trend-setting outfits, like one of these:

Check out their Discography and reminisce, or check out their Wikipedia page and even venture to their official site and try to guess: Wonderbra or surgery? (My bet: positive thinking)

Most of all, watch some of the band's best videos and count yourself lucky to have lived in the time of goddesses. (On mountaintops.)

VENUS (How did they ever come up with this stuff?)

CRUEL SUMMER (You can actually see where Madonna got her clothes)

DO NOT DISTURB (I'm willing to bet money Lady Jane Scarlett will buy those pantaloons, and that Schrodinger's Kitten already has them)

I HEARD A RUMOR (I heard a rumor...that Carmen Miranda was actually in the band!)

And if you're brave, check out their new stuff from 2005. Be prepared: the ladies are now COUGARS!

Monday, August 29, 2011

August 29 - International Anything Day

We all have lists of things we want to do, and if you come here, then you REALLY have a list of things to do. But what are you to do if there's something on your list that never makes it into the official lexicon of days, or even International Day?

Today is your answer. It is International ANYTHING Day. This means you are able to 'Insert Your Day Here'...and get away with anything.

Craving Pancakes? Then it can be 'International Pancake Day'.

Want to take your mom to the park? 'International Take Mom to the Park Day'.

Serial Killer? 'International Murder your Neighbor Day'. works for everyone!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

August 28 - International Put A Face On Your Food Day

International Put A Face On Your Food Day

Remember in elementary school when they had cheeseburger day, and they'd give you a little packet of ketchup to go with it, and (if you weren't one of those little bastards who took the ketchup and stuck them under the bus tires) you would make a little smiley face on the hamburger patty before you put the bun on it? Yeah, good times.

So today, while you're squirting the frosting on your Toaster Strudel, putting the syrup on your pancakes, or making a sandwich, relive your childhood and put a face on your food!

By the way, these pictures are from Sea Hag's kitchen.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

August 27 - International Punch A Hussy Fat Day

Studies in parapsychology and quantum mechanics have shown that purposefully using malapropisms and transpositions in everyday language in order to confuse a conversational partner is still as annoying as it ever was. In honor of this time-tested method of pissing people off, spend today coining phrases that, if one letter was changed for every word, would actually mean something.

Like “pinch a hussy fat,” for example, or “pass oft, yon asp.” It’s fun, it makes people mad when they don’t understand you, and you can actually cuss people out right in front of their faces without them knowing about it.

Friday, August 26, 2011

August 26 - International Bow Down Before the Hyperion Day

And on the twenth-sixth day of the eight month, a child was born. Thus fulfilling the prophecy of the Homernut book. Satanic Republican Monkey Worshipers everywhere rejoiced at the coming of the child. As quoted in the scripture:

"Bear in mind that August 26 is the anniversary of the day I became Hyperion, a most holy and sacred day."

Today this child, this forebearer of neocon Simpson's-loving obsession, is known as:


On this sacred day, people across the globe are not called upon to spend time with our families or dole out extra money on Hallmark cards or go sit in a cold dank place with other folks. Oh no. The Hyperion has plans for us. They are called the Five Hyperboles.

Aitch Hyperbole 1: Today you must put comments on My day's entry. If you don't, you are a scum sucking tadpole.

Aitch Hyperbole 2: Thou shall advertise the supremely cool group projects on your own blog. An ad in the super bowl would barely suffice if you don't have your own blog.

Aitch Hyperbole 3: Touch the River Midget! Love the River Midget!

Aitch Hyperbole 4: Appreciate all that He does for you, little people. The only acceptable forms of appreciation are beef jerky, cold hard cash and Simpson's DVD's.

Aitch Hyperbole 5: If you have seen Hyperion's face, it is the last thing you will see. His identity must be a secret, for if Ann Coulter knew where to find the Hyperion...well, let's just say there'd be trouble.

And if you don't do as he says, then he will send harsh emails to you.
But please remember! Underneath all this harshness, all this crass Denny's waitress harassing exterior is a teddy bear just waiting for a big hug.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

August 25 - International Murder Fantasy Football Owners Day

Any person that plays Fantasy Football either over the internet or in a week to week paper type game is called an owner. They make all the decisions about who will start each week and the dreaded who to bench decision.

The ones that really suffer though are the spouses. After Fantasy Football Cram day, they have had a glimpse into how there weekends for the next 4 months or so are going to be spent. The ones that also have husbands or wives that are college football fans as well sometimes slip into depression at the sound of Lee Corso's voice.

Well, to remedy that situation, I offer you a tip. Get your cell phone and call the house phone. Your spouse will not reach for the phone, they will still be preparing for the draft. Answer it, pretend to talk then call out "Honey, Bill Parcells is on the phone." When your significant other hops up to run to the phone, bash them over the head with the top to there mini tailgating grill. You may have to bash them a few times, but the exercise maybe worth it. Staging it to look like an accident is your job.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

August 24 - International Fantasy Football Cram Day

All across North America and probably in many spots across the world, the fast approaching (American) Football season is causing grown men and women to act like giddy children on Christmas Eve.

Football means alot of things to a lot of people. Tailgating parties, marching bands, drinking beer at 9 am to get ready for the 4 o'clock game (a Philly Tradition for sure), "Friday Night Lights" and of course the joy that watching a well played football game brings. But for many, it is also the culmination of a long study.

Fantasy Football has swept the nation. It takes a lot of work to find that fourth Wide Receiver who has the best YAC, or that second tight end for your primaries week off. That is where International Fantasy Football Cram Day comes in. You take the day off, get your various magazines and websites arrayed out in front of you and study. The only way to find that backup kicker is of course to take the day off and hunker down with the books of knowledge from The Sporting News.

Plus you don't want this to happen

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

August 23 - International Chalkboard Einstein Day

Today we celebrate the life of Einstein, one of the greatest minds of all time, by looking into his long and.....
ehhhh, do that on your own time! Today, we create chalkboard pictures of Einstein with funny quotes! Using the link, you can create as many pictures as you like. Then put them on your website, send them to friends, or just blow them up and frame them as if they are real. Then, when friends come over, try not to laugh as your "blowhard" friend acts like he knew that Einstein said "Scratching my testicles with a cold two liter in hand, rapping to the bitch at the French fry stand." (Actually, it was Insane Clown Posse.) Don't you want to see your friends fall flat on their face? Here are a few of mine:

This one I actually used on my homepage today, as it dovetailed into what I posted. Notice how I make it seem like Al is covering up another word? Hee hee

Classic Simpsons. I was just going to put the equation, but people are dumb, and I like the idea of Al solving the whole thing.

Many people think Billy Joel wrote this....but it was actually Al.

Here I'm being all ironic and shit. Then again, it was Al who invented the bomb. Whoa.......Double Irony!

It is my goal in life to trick one of the presidential candidates to use the term "shocker" in one of their speeches. Maybe at a rally in Kansas....

Let us know what signs you made in the Comments!

Monday, August 22, 2011

August 22 - International Take Your Sex Slave to Work Day

Your gimp is tired of being ball-gagged in the basement for your sexual pleasure. Why not take him to work?

Co-workers will be thrilled to hear your tales of how you met Mr. Silence in a gay bar. How he shows his 'excitement' for you when you come home.

We'd all like to hear about how you outfitted your basement with handcuffs mounted to the wall, and why the floor is covered in hay.

Be sure to introduce your sex slave to your boss - and if you have the opportunity, share the safe word with him so he can have some fun too!

Do us all a favor - be sure to make him wear assless chaps. We all deserve a good day.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

August 21 - International Candy Coated Day


1. List your top ten favorite candies on your blog. Or just think about them till you salivate.

2. Purchase your favorite candy and pig out!

3. Watch Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

4. Consider licking chocolate sauce off of your lover, but not for too long. Then actually do it! I recommend just a couple of erotic drops placed in sensitive spots. (If you don't have a lover available, savor the flavor of an ice cream cone or a lollipop. Or better yet, lick em all!)

Have a sweet day!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

August 20 - International Mock A Vegan Day

Inspired by this post and Dr. Suess:


Vegans are carefree
Vegans are swell
Vegans think carnivores
Are going to Hell

Vegans are oddballs
Vegans are twee
Vegans need mocking
By you and by me

Vegans are strange
Vegans are neat
Vegans have hair
On the tops of their feet

Vegans are flighty
Vegans are hirsute
Vegans smell funny
Whenever they veg-toot

Vegans are colorful
Vegans are spotty
Vegans are pinchfaced
And funky-weird grotty

Vegans are hungry
Vegans are odd
Vegans dress funny
And smell like old cod

Vegans wear burlap
Vegans aren’t fun
Vegans are glad
That this poem is done.

Friday, August 19, 2011

August 19 - International Wacky Pre-Packaged Mexican Dessert Awareness Day

International Wacky Pre-Packaged Mexican Dessert Awareness Day

You've seen them at the gas station or Wal Mart, and now is the day to overcome your fear and give into temptation. Ignore the fact that you can't read the ingredient list and eat some Mexican pre-packaged pastry today! When you are done eating them, it is recommended that you yell the name of the product randomly the rest of the day. iSPONCH!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

August 18 - International Pirates of Finance Day

I was going to let everyone off easy for today. I planned to celebrate August 20th as International Ennui Day, I'm sure that we all would have loved being couch potato for a day!
But, I got yelled at by the Barn Overlord. (sheesh! who knew his sphere of influence has as much girth as his...oops, I digress). Newly entrapped, I mean...inspired to re-create August 20th, I turned to recent events in the US financial markets.

Hedge fund managers whining about their tax burden, subprime lenders wondering why their clients can't pay their loans (uh, duh), the Motley Fool actually encouraging folks to buy Pfizer stock.

All signs of financial meltdown, at least to me.

So I am NOT a licensed stock broker, trader of money, or a Motley Fool. But, I do know this.

1. Spending more than you earn is so not good. Tis easier to find the treasure of One-Eyed Willie than pay back interest plus principal.
2. The following is faulty logic, unless you have reserves of gold medallians: "I need that $10,000 carbon fiber Guru bicycle, and it would totally pay for itself in less than a year." (It IS pretty sweet eh?)
3. Learn bears and bulls and NASDAQ and S&P500 and DJIA.
4. If you have a new pirate ship, don't bitch about money m'kay?
5. If you are new to stock trading, find an investment club. They're all over and it's a great way to learn the ropes, and find new friends. Most investments clubs perform better than the S&P500.
6. For personal finance, having a spreadsheet of monthly bills will work wonders.
7. Saving even a bit of money each month will help out on rainy days, or let you do something fun. Shop around for good interest rates. 0.25% is not good!
8. If you are young (20's-30's), invest now into your 401k or forever hold a job.
9. If you are in a pickle, there are people who will help you for free. Stay away from sharks who will charge you a certain % to help you get out of debt.
10. Constantly check and re-check what you are paying for your credit card interest, your insurance rates, your phone plans, even your airline miles plan. Don't be afraid to negotiate new terms if they are no longer satisfactory to you. A good rule of thumb is every 6 months.

And last but not least, enjoy what you do have! Appreciation will counter-act those pesky Joneses faster than Ali's right hook.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

August 17 - International Act Like A Birthday Princess Day

International Act Like A Birthday Princess Day

Tell people it's your birthday and they smile at you. Wear a plastic tiara and clip-on rhinestone earrings while you tell them, and a world of free booze awaits you. So go down to your favorite bar and wear your very prettiest princess costume and ask - no, demand - a pink birthday cake and presents and all the peach daiquiris you can stand. It's time for you to embrace your Inner Birthday Princess and get treated today like you should be every day!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

August 16 - International Whozewhatzit Day

I find myself often not able to remember the name of a common household object, be it the telephone, the cat, the TV remote, or whatever the name of my spouse is, it slips my mind presently. So, when sentences like "do you know where that thing is, it was on the thing that last time I saw it" causes frustration.

Hence, whozewhatzit day. This is the day where you can actually get away with inserting Whozewhatzit in place of "That Thing" and the other person in the house can not look at you dumbfounded like you have 3 heads.

They actually have to respond with, "I will help you look for the whozewhatzit, dear"

Plus, as an added benefit, think of the fun that can occur with replacing the word whozewhatzit for thing every chance you get. "Hi, is there anywhozewhatzit I can get you?"

Monday, August 15, 2011

August 15 - International Back-To-School Supplies Day

Run to your local Staples, Office Max, Office Depot or Wal-Mart! It's back-to-school supplies shopping day. Some thoughts below:

  • 3-Ring Binders - You gotta get the kind with pockets. Why they make binders without pockets, I'm not sure. But the pockets are good for those lazy kids (like me) who, even when handed a sheet of paper with the 3-holes punched in it, still stuff it in a pocket.
  • Crayons - Get the basic 8. Who needs 16 shades of blue anyway? (If cash is a little low, you can always head over to your local Denny's and request the kids' menu - it comes with three crayons.)
  • "Peachies" - Anybody know if they still make the PeeChee folder? Man, I loved doodling on those folders during class - making the football players scramble for a donut, drawing spikes on the knees of the runners, and making the tennis player fart.
  • Lunchbox - Nothing makes a statement of your individuality quite like the lunchbox. Here is where you can make or break your "cool factor" among your friends. You certainly don't want something lame, but on the other hand, you don't want the same lunch box as 10 other people in school.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

August 14 - International Play Guitar Hero and Do Nothing Else All Day Day

You heard me! Play hooky from work - play Guitar Hero all day. Master the advanced levels.

You know you want to.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

August 13 - International Muppets & Meatballs Day

Watch Muppets clips @ or rent a few episodes of the Muppet Show today. You will smile. I promise! You may even find yourself laughing at the antics of those adorable critters.

Have you ever made Swedish Meatballs? Don’t forget to sing the Swedish Chef Song, (Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue… No, this is not real Swedish. It’s silly!) as you roll em and pat em. Then cook and devour em. Yum!

Friday, August 12, 2011

August 12 - International Read Poetry to Someone You Love Day


I know it might sound hokey, but guys I promise you this: you take the time to read some poetry to the person you love, and you WILL be rewarded. (Besides, don't you want that special someone to be happy?)

But ladies, today is not just about sitting around as he
reads poetry. You need to step up to the plate and do your part. To help I have assembled a few links of poems that might get you going. Read to your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, parent or (if you're into that sort of thing), your pet!

Some things to remember:

It's not about reading each line perfectly, it's about you taking the time to do this for your loved one. If he/she/it loves you back, he/she/it will understand and appreciate your hard work.

However, it would be a good idea to read over the poem out loud to yourself once or twice before trying it for your sweetie. Poems have a certain cadence and rhythm to them that is just as impotant as the rhyme scheme and storyline. A poem is a living thing, and you want to not just get the words right, but the feel.

Speaking of Rhyme, guys, you might be able to get away with "free verse" to your women-folk, but ladies: stick to poems that rhyme for the guy. Otherwise he might get suspicious.

Most importantly: POETRY WAS MADE TO BE READ ALOUD!!!! Half the magic is hearing the words come out of someone's mouth. Do this right and you've
created and awesome tradition!

But what to read?

Well, for husbands and wives, I recommend each of you Take a Browning and read to each other. Elizabeth Barret Browning wrote a slew of great poems, but he might like "A Man's Requirments." And for the guys, read her Robert Browning's "A Pretty Woman." (And if you really want to be cool follow that up with a spoken word version of Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman." Pretend it's still Browning. You'll crack her up and get even more than you would have gotten.)

Maybe you have a son into The Lord of the Rings. How cool would it be if you suddenly recited the Song of Aragorn to him? It's short enough that I bet you could memorize it:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

But maybe your loved one isn't into traditional poetry. Not to worry. I found this site full of great Pirate Poetry (including one about a porno pirate).

Not to be outdone, here is a great Ninja Poem, and another one.

And if that's not enough for them, what about a day when aliens invade and zombies come up from the earth? (The cool thing is, this is actually a love poem by Neil Gaiman. Guys and girls will love this one.)

Maybe you have a daughter or girlfriend who is more into the melancholy and dark. Try something along the lines of Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gently into that Good Night." (Here is the first stanza:)

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And if that doesn't sate her dark side, read her "The Vampire's Farewell."

Now, if you're ready for something a little more advanced I do have a couple for you, but beware: you will need to practice these a bit, for the poetry is difficul to read correctly (but in my opinion, the effect is all the greater).

Try Rudyard Kipling's "Ballad of the King's Jest." This poem is not for children, as reading it correctly requires a very fast pace with almost machine gun enunciation. However, you pull this off and you are a god. Here are just a few lines so you know
what I'm talking about:

In a turquoise twilight, crisp and chill,
A kafila camped at the foot of the hill.
Then blue smoke-haze of the cooking rose,
And tent-peg answered to hammer-nose;
And the picketed ponies, shag and wild,
Strained at their ropes as the feed was piled;
And the bubbling
camels beside the load
Sprawled for a furlong adown the road;
And the Persian pussy-cats, brought for sale,
Spat at the dogs from the camel-bale;

Incredible, no?

Another challenging but rewarding poem is "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes. I myself have never mastered this one in recitation but am giving it a shot this year. [editor's note: since writing this post I have practiced THE HIGHWAYMAN several times. It is VERY hard to get the cadence right, but very very sexy if you do. Pretty much guaranteed smooches.] Here is the third stanza:

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord's daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

I hope these give you a few options. If you have others, by all means leave a comment! And remember, if all else fails, try a little Odgen Nash:

"Further Reflections on Parsley"
Is Gharsley

"The Cow"
The Cow is of the bovine ilk
One end is moo, the other milk

"Ode to a Baby"
A bit of talcum
is always walcum

"What's the Use?"

Sure, deck your limbs in pants,
Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.

You look divine as you advance . . .

Have you seen yourself retreating?


Candy is Dandy

But Liquor is Quicker


Thursday, August 11, 2011

August 11 - International lolcat Day

We here at International ___ Day have our fingers on the pulse of American culture. Not ones to take advantage of scantly clad women, like those attention whores at the Monkey Barn, we are serious about maintaining our journalistic credentials through solid reporting and family-friendly photos.

Thus we would like to celebrate today as the first ever International lolcat Day.

Now what IS an lolcat? It's a cute picture of a cat, with a funny/absurd/weird caption. The most famous lolcat is HappyCat who stunned the world with a simple question.

So, hang out with some lolcats today. You'll smile all the more for it!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

August 10 - International Boop an Animal Day

The boop, or 'zerbert,' is an expression of affection that goes back to caveman days. I know this, because I was there. Neanderthal women would cuddle up to their dirty, stinky babies and apply their lips to a soft cheek or belly and go "PBBBBBBTTTTBBBPPPPPT!" to the giggles and wiggles of a now happy baby.

It's a known fact animals like affection too. Plus, they're furry. And who doesn't like fur? Nobody, that's who. So, pick up the next animal you see and give it a healthy boop on the tummy or neck or wherever it doesn't have claws or teeth or matted clumps of whatever it just rolled in.

Bonus points if it's not your animal.

Triple bonus points if it's a wild animal. Booping a wolverine makes you the automatic winner.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

August 9 - International Speed Bump Appreciation Day

Sure they are annoying, but those speed bumps littered throughout roads and parking lots all over America serve an important, yet forgotten purpose. Most people would assume the existence of speed bumps only helps prevent accidental collisions between cars and cars or cars and pedestrians. While this is true, many people are unaware of the latent launching capability speed bumps possess for passengers riding in the back seats of vehicles or tandem bicycles.

To enjoy a speed bump, timing is everything. You do not need massive amounts of speed to get your back-seat passengers to "touch" the ceiling of your vehicle with their heads. But in some instances, speed bump enjoyment requires a driving environment where local authorities are not present. (See video below).

In some poorer communities, where speed bumps are lacking due to shortages in funding for road improvements, you can still give those riding in the back a good amount of air time by seeking out the local "speed dips". Speed dips work much like speed bumps, only in reverse. True, they tend to be rougher on the vehicle, but the flight generated by coming out of a dip can sometimes be much higher than one generated by the average bump.

Happy bumping (or dipping)!

Monday, August 08, 2011

August 8 - End Gay Baby Seals Discrimination Day

I was doing a charity drive a few weeks back and one commenter who shall remain nameless, wished me luck with the raising money for gay baby seals. Now, I smiled, or possibly giggled, but I think I was punchy from lack of sleep. The next day, I looked over my comments and thought, hmm "gay baby seals" that may be a cause I could really get behind, well from far far away.

Now, I googled "gay baby seals" and while I found some bumper stickers that discussed the idea of "Nuking gay baby seals for Jesus", which I felt was a humorous joke, though when it comes to Jesus, who knows. But, no one trying to save those baby seals from nuking. I mean we have Greenpeace, but they care about all baby seals not just the gay ones. I don't see any rainbow ribbons with little seal eyes on it looking back at you so sweetly. I felt it was time to correct that injustice.

So, on End Gay Baby Seal Discriminaton day, I ask you to find a gay baby seal and give it a hug, say we support you and maybe give them a quarter or something. Now I know it will be difficult, being that all baby seals look alike, no way to tell if they were gay or not. Plus, its freaking cold where most seals live. But, I am not a marine biologist, I just come up with the big ideas and expect the lemmings, er I mean readers to follow it. So, go, run, save the gay baby seals.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

August 7 - International Play '80s Games Day

I'd like to recall the joy of playing simplistic video games of the '80s era. (Yeah, I'm dating myself, so what—I'm 34.) 

Some of you might be too young to have played Atari at home or Ms. Pac Man on the boardwalk, but everyone can join me today by stopping by an arcade to play Skee-Ball or the most vintage video game that you can find. 

If you can't get to an arcade, click a few 80s-riffic games online

Come on, feel like a kid again. Play for a few minutes. It will be fun!

Saturday, August 06, 2011

August 6 - International Inappropriate Joke Day

Ever have the perfect joke to tell at the office or bank or church, but have to bite your tongue HARD because you just can't think of a way to 'clean it up' for the audience?

Well, today's your day to let 'em fly. You know there's a raft of dusty ol' bits that make you laugh every time, but you haven't said because you're polite. Or chicken.

Tell your best worst joke in the comments, and we'll all gasp in horror laugh with you.

Friday, August 05, 2011

August 5 - International Talk. Like. KirkDay

Talk. Like. KirkDay.

You. Think. You. Havenoreason. To. TalkLikeKirk. But. YouDo.

Today. Is. TalkLikeKirkDay. You. Must. Speakthewholeday. Asif. You. Are. CaptainJamesT.Kirk.

Walk. Aroundcornersinyouroffice. Screaming. Kaaaaahhhhhnnnnnn! Andthen. Clench. Yourfists.

Emote. Likeyoumeanit.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

August 4 - International Be Bear Grylls Day

International Be Bear Grylls Day

Bear Grylls is a totally smokin' hot badass. He's such a badass that he scores a solid rating of 'Chuck Norris' on the International Scale Of Badassery. And so we take today to celebrate 'Man Vs. Wild' and Bear Grylls by becoming him. Here are some tips:

1. Go parachute into the most remote wilderness you can find.

2. Bring with you only a knife, a flint, and a water bottle.

3. If you get hot, take off your underwear and put them on your head. If you are still hot, pee on your underwear before putting them on your head.

4. If you get hungry, there are many things you can eat in nature, such as bugs, worms, grubs, spiders, rotten zebra meat, snakes, sheep eyeballs, raw bird eggs, turtles, raw fish, honey, rodents, and piranha (but only if you shot them with a bow and arrow that you made).

5. If you get thirsty, find a running stream or underground aquifer. If you can't find running water, you can drink the water off of fresh elephant turds or you can drink your own fresh pee.

6. Head towards bodies of water, that's where most people live. Bonus points for making a raft.

7. Climb up all the rocks and trees that you find, and mention the time you climbed Mt. Everest at least twice.

8. If you are on a volcanic island, and your shoe catches on fire, it's too hot to walk there. Find somewhere with less magma.

9. Take off your shirt whenever possible.